∆ Week in P∆r∆dise // Bastille

And I'll Paint You Wings

I heard a soft knock on the door.  I had fallen asleep to the sound of the television.  Looking up, I saw Dan’s silhouette out side of the glass and wood door.  He was looking away, but when he turned back to look through the glass, our eyes met.  I had scrapes all over my face, and looked wretched from being in the hospital for three weeks.  I tried to hide my face when Dan entered, but I had to look at him.  I missed him so much.  “Dan,” I gasped.  “I shouldn’t have ever left.” I was choking back tears, and so  was he.  

“You shouldn’t have gone to that concert. This is all my fault.  If I hadn’t called Ralph—“

“Shut up.  Dan, none of this is your fault.  It was my decision to leave California in the first place.  If I had only listened to my heart, and stayed with you…” I reached out for his hand, and Dan sat down on the bed next to my knees.  “Dan, I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have left, and I feel horrible about it.  It was wrong of me to toy with your heart.   I don’t deserve everything that you’ve done for me, and I understand if you want to move on.  I do,” I wiped a stream of tears from my cheeks, and looked at the wall away from Dan’s perfect face.

He sighed, “I must’ve pushed you or something to the point where you just up and leave.”

I tried to interject. “No—“

“Can’t you just tell me why?” It killed me to see him cry.  It really did.  Like a piece of my heart just turned black and fell off.

“I’m scared… I’m scared of rejection and having people hate me because of my past, and because of all the shit I’ve gone through for the past, I don't know… seven years?  I had so many issues, I still do; I don’t think you’d understand. It’s so hard to eve think of, let alone talk about.” I was using my hands to talk, and I could see Dan’s head following my hands like he was a kitten and I was throwing around a ball of twine.

“Try me, Cam.”

I explained everything, to the bulling in school, to the disorders, to how music saved me.  Taking deep breaths, I somehow got through the whole story without freezing, or screaming, or anything like that.  “I’m sorry I never told you.  It hurts, it physically hurts me to talk about all of this.”  I was suffocating in my own body, my whole body hurt as well. 

“Cameron,” his accent made my stomach tie itself in knots.  “You’re safe now, you’re here with me.  I won’t let anything or anyone hurt you anymore.”  

As he said that, there was a faint knock on the door.  From my angle, I couldn't see who was there, but Dan could.  He looked at me, with his eyes wide, then got up to answer the door. “What are you doing here?” Dan asked as Nick pushed past him.

“Nick? What the hell? Why are you here?” I sat up in the bed, speechless.  

He rushed over to me, and tried to kiss me, but I put my hand on his chest and pushed him away. “Cam, I’m so glad you’re okay.” Nick grimaced at me, and chills shot down my spine.  I was genuinely scared, so I discretely pressed the call button for the nurse. 

“What is going on here?” She came almost immediately, and Nick spun away from my face so that he was facing the door now.  I sighed, and shot the nurse a pleading look, she knew instantly that I was uncomfortable, and that she needed to get Nick out of the room.  She even went so far as to threaten to call the detectives back, since they were still waiting in the lobby.  Nick left almost instantly, and Dan moved closer to me, to protect me if anything went wrong.

“Thank you,” Dan and I both said to the nurse, after Nick was out of sight, and she nodded back at us before leaving the room.

“Come to America with us,” Dan said after a long silence.

I was in disbelief, “Dan—“ I didn’t know what to say.

“I’m not joking, come with us.  I can’t leave you here.  After what just happened, and Nick being here.  I can’t bring myself to—to abandon you like that.”  He kept trying to make valid arguments, but it wasn't working.  I couldn’t leave, I still had to finish school.  I couldn't just leave with a semester to go.  

“I can’t. I have a few months left, I have to graduate.  I want to show my family that I can do something. I was the first to get into a prestigious high school, and the first to go to college overseas, and I have to show them that I could do it.  All of them, including my parents, said that I wouldn’t graduate.  I have to do this, Dan.  I need to be accepted,” I was crying now.  “They always treated me like a small kid.  When I tried killing myself, my grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins, stopped talking to me.  They were scared that they’d set me off.  I need to show them that I can be independent, that I can do something on my own, and be good at it.  I need to do Phantom and get a Tony award, then get a recording contract, and tour the world.” I knew I was babbling, and I was panting as well.

“Oh, Cameron; I’m sorry.” Dan drew in a long breath, and held it in his lungs for a few seconds before letting it out.  

He wiped a few tears away from my cheeks, before I continued.  “Even though I wish I could, I just can’t put everything on hold right now.  Phantom is coming soon, and I’m almost done at Uni.  Going back, is just not a possibility right now.  I’m so sorry, but I can’t.”

“I met your friend Alex… He seemed pretty mad that he was the reason you got lost.” Dan was sat on my bed, next to my stomach, but facing the wall.  He couldn’t look at me without crying, and being pissed off at himself.  

“He’s been one of my best friend for years, I would hope he was upset that I ran away.  But, he wasn’t the reason I ran.  I was the reason I fucking ran way, Dan.  It wasn’t anyone’s fault.”

We sat in silence.  It was so quiet in that room, that you could hear a pin drop.  It was eerie.  

“Dan…” After fifteen minutes of us just sitting there, I broke the silence.  “Let’s make a deal.”

“A deal?” He snorted, and looked over at me.  

I smiled, “As soon as I graduate, and my foot heals, I’ll meet you in America.  In whatever city you’re in, and I’ll stay with you until I need to come back for Phantom.  Sound good?” I laughed, and Dan’s jaw dropped.

He basically pounced on me, and kissed me.  My breath was probably disgusting, but he didn’t complain.  “Are you serious?” He was ecstatic, and laughing yet also crying.  

“I’m serious. It’s the best of both worlds.  Then will you promise to be here for the opening of Phantom, at Royal Albert Hall? Please,” I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck, and brought myself up to him.  

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world, honey.  I love you, Cameron.  I love you so much.” He kissed me again, and I kissed back.  After we broke away from each other, Dan laid down next to me in the hospital bed, and we both fell asleep.