Loving River

Loving seventeen

"Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I'm only falling apart."

Semmy Carson

How did I go from intensely happy to a sudden depressive sadness within twenty four hours?

There were only two words for that burning question.

River Allen.

After he left the dance, Jax found me in the school bathroom and took me back towards the dance floor. He danced on happy songs with me, we drank some more punch and sometimes he made a joke during our conversations just to cheer me up.

I couldn't express to you how much I appreciated that.

Still, it didn't feel right to be with him. In that moment I was a bit out of reality and I felt like drowning away in my own misery of problems so eventually I made sure Jax safely dropped me off at my home after half an hour. He seemed to understand that, which made me feel better about the entire situation.

He told me I wasn't in the wrong and even though I didn't believe him, it was nice to hear that for once.

Currently I was laying on my bed, staring blankly at the walls around me while feeling nothing and letting my dark thoughts consume me.

River Allen was a popular high school boy who had it all. Someone like him could have never chosen someone who was constantly alone, a nerd and got beaten up or hated by almost the entire school. I was aware of that yet it hurt me.

He is my best friend, I couldn't lose him because of a kiss that meant much more to me than to him.

Unrequited love was a thing, hidden deeply within the heart and that was pushed away too harshly. River spoke to me in words, but I looked at him in feelings. We were from two different places, too divergent from each other to be perfectly placed together.

If saving our friendship meant no romance between us, I was fine with it. I knew getting over him would be a tough and time consuming progress, but as long as I had him, I'd be okay.

And the feeling of River leaving me behind just like that, as if I didn't matter to him anymore, that's what hurt me the most. To think that I was the one who ruined everything by developing feelings for this boy, made it even worse.

It was all my fault.

Mine.

My hand covered my mouth as I accepted the tears that were rolling down my cold cheeks, making sure I made no sounds even now I was alone in this house. I rolled onto my side, making myself smaller and listening to the sound of my heart shake, bend and break.

The world slowly slipped off of my feet; my anxious heart shattered when it dropped onto the ground earlier yesterday, sad tears prickled in my eyes as my body started to shake and the rain outside reflected my exact feelings by letting themselves getting heard with their heavy sounds.

I stayed like that, pouring my heart out for the next few minutes until the loud doorbell startled me. I wasn't planning on opening it until this person rang the bell like a thousands of times, making me grumpy as I got up.

When I stood at my door, I opened it angrily.

"Leave me al- holy shit River" I stumbled across my words, not expecting to see him.

I stared at his gray eyes with big wide eyes as a silence occurred between the two of us. For a fact the air got sucked away like usual, my heart skipped a beat and seeing him let me forget about the past hurting that I was experiencing. Everything around me slowly faded into the background.

It was just him and me.

All of a sudden he took a few steps towards me, cupped my face in his hands and placed his lips on mine.

My head wasn't responding from that moment, instead my heart took it over for in its place.

Intense butterflies fluttered inside my stomach as if he created a whole zoo in me, the warm tingles spread over my body along with the goosebumps and my beating heart sang out loud for this boy.

More.

His lips felt soft and delicate against mine, giving me another taste of his exclusive strawberries flavor. My lips moved synchronized with his as if we fitted more than well together. A soft hum left my mouth at the powerful and passionate feeling.

Much to my disappointment, he had to break the kiss.

"Wha- but- you- a-and I- what?!" I stuttered utterly confused, catching my breath from the intensity.

"Please, please, please forgive me for my absolute idiot behavior yesterday, I was so confused and shocked. I took the easy way out, but Sem.. I realized that I don't mind choosing the difficult path as long as it's with you.." He told me, softening his face expression and seeming to mean every word that left his perfect mouth.

I didn't have to think twice at my answer for that.

"Of course I do.." I smiled, a bit unsure.

"I know it takes some time to win your full trust back, but give me a chance. You know me for years, I wouldn't just throw you away like that, never ever ever" He pulled me in his arms.

Once I snuggled in his chest and closed my eyes, his warmth wrapped around me like a blanket. It has always been a comforting and nice feeling. I hugged his waist as a smile appeared on my face.

"Have you been crying Sem?" He noticed as he looked down at me, wiping the tears from the corner of my eyes with his fingers.

I whimpered at the feeling, making contact with his piercing gray eyes that had such light colors which had its magic to look right through my soul.

I was wondering what he was thinking right now.

"Let's go inside.." I whispered, afraid of breaking whatever this good moment was.

He walked towards my bedroom with me following right behind him. Together we crawled on my bed.

Without thinking twice he pulled me to his chest, making me lean my head as I listening to his beating heart. He intertwined our fingers together.

I was enjoying this silence. It felt good.

I wanted to stay like this for ever.

"So.. you like me? As in.. like-like me?" I asked him, because I had to know.

There was no response for a couple seconds which made me think that he possibly fell asleep, because I bet we both had a rough night, but then he responded.

"I think so, I don't know. I'm just very confused about my sexuality and what I feel. I don't care that the school saw it, I just need to figure my things out" He said, caressing the back of my hand by drawing small circles with his fingers.

"That's okay. I've been there, I give you all the time you need. Just so you know that you don't have to feel pressured. Take it slowly, we don't have to be a thing now" I told him.

I wanted to be a thing so badly, but I couldn't make him. It would be unfair to the both of us if we were a thing while he hadn't even sorted his feelings out. This was for the best.

"Hell, you are such an angel Semmy.." He responded to my advice, kissing the top of my head.

I'd always be your angel River, you just gotta ask.

___

Like the new covers? Only one person made a comment about it so I was just wondering.