Results of a Restless Mind

a collection of thoughts in prose

do you understand how i feel? so deeply and passionately, like a wave that cannot crest. i feel continuously, loudly, boldly, i take the colours of my heart and paint them onto a beautiful canvas of lies. my feelings are not my own, but the creation of something greater. my heart is a dying star and i am not the master of its death. i wish i could be

i wish i could keep you. safe. i wish i could stop this hurricane that keeps entrapping you, and you are so stupid because you can't see the opening through the waterfall until it is not just a waterfall it is a current and it sweeps you away and i can do nothing as you sit obliviously and drown. but you don't even try to swim. why? i am not hurting myself I am hurting you and I feel so much and that is all i can say. not how much i want to be with you. how much i despise being in your presence, how much every fibre of my being tries to find a way to stop this, stop before it is too late because i feel.

so.

greatly.

and deeply.

that by the time i realise what i've done. you will have drowned in my depths.

but what do i know? what can i possibly know, i am young and innocent i stare at the sky and question the future, i see a flower and take a fucking picture i breathe shallowly and waste opportunities i feel jealousy in my heart and bitterness in my soul and i cannot even begin to comprehend who you are.

you beautiful mess. you do not know me. i do not know me. yet you have swum deeper than anyone has even tried. and i am sorry. it is not that you are too deep. it is that you are perfectly capable of swimming to the surface and yet.

and yet.

i look at you, and i see life. love. how can i possibly know how to feel towards you. i dance along to your beat and I memorise the steps because I am afraid to fall. out of step. i stare into your eyes and i feel safe. i read your texts, and it is like you are there laughing to me. talking. talking endlessly.

what can i possibly do without you sunshine?

i am broken but with you it is true i am beautifully broken and you fix me so. so i guess i can be your broken piece of art until you can fix me.

i dont want to be fixed permanently.

because that means anyone can have me and i don't want that i want

you.