Results of a Restless Mind

I promise -(a spoken word of sorts)

There is so much built up inside me right now that has no right to be there. And I'm trying so hard not to care, to let it go as the useless thing it is but I can't help to notice it. I'm trying, I'm trying so hard. I'm being real here, the only way I know how. I made you a promise, I broke it once but I won't again, not as long as I have the will to keep that broken look from your eyes, that defeated tone out of your voice. I will not be the cause of your destruction- I will not be the bars that bind you to me, not in love but in fear. But here's the hard truth. What if it is just you that is stopping me. I know how stupid I was, how my previous mistake now makes me, but what if that fear of you is the only thing stopping me from trying to find relief in something I should never want. That I should have never done in the first place. I can see me doing it, I can see the lines in my arm and I am terrified. I won't do it, I won't, because that's not who I am but I am struggling to understand what I can do when I have no right to feel the way I do, when I am not overrun by depression in a daily, when my thoughts are usually pure and happy, how can I have this irrational desire, to mark up my skin and destroy the trust of the ones around me. I hate myself for it. Hate even more that I have no reason for it. I don't want you to worry but I want you to care, I don't want you to overreact but I want you here. I don't feel safe in myself sometimes- isn't that terrifying? Of course I'm probably overreacting, that's what I always say anyway. But I just want these thoughts to go away. They don't belong here- stirring in a way that is only meant to hurt you. I won't do anything, I promise. That is a promise I could not bear to break- not to you. Because there is only one thing I can think of that would be worse then watching you leave- forcing you to stay.