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25.

WAKING UP THE NEXT day was hard. With everything that I did I thought "in a few months I will never do this again". I was torturing myself but how much I wanted to stop it I couldn't.

I was all alone, not even Jack was here. I told him to go home yesterday because he's released, why should he stay here?

My mom completely broke down, she couldn't stop crying and because that only made me cry she went home.

Ellie and Missy talked with me yesterday. Not about me dying but just everything, they where cheering me up which was very nice. They also brought a huge amount of chocolate, which of course cheered me up even more.

I've decided that I am not going to stop living because I'm dying. I'm just going to enjoy everyday knowing that it might be my last.

Yesterday my dad called to say that he told Brian and Nikki and her parents. He didn't told me how they reacted but I think they cried, especially Nikki. Brian is coming today, he texted me that he got the day off at school. of course he didn't, he called himself in sick but I really don't care. I just want people around me to cheer me up.

'Ava' doctor Verses opened the door

'hey' I mumbled. I was still super tired and I couldn't do much.

'how is it going?' she walked in

'I'm fine, still really tired and- sad and weird but I'm trying to be positive' I told her and she nodded

'how is your mom?' she asked

'she cried a lot, and will probably have another mental break down' I scoffed

'is anyone coming today?'

'my brother' I smiled

'glad you can still smile' she stood up again

'I'll never lose that' I smiled to her and she then went away.

I decided to get ready because Brian is here in a hour. I put on a black pair of leggings, a huge hoodie that I can hide in and a hat. It was March and beginning to get nice out but I still am cold 24/7. I scrolled though Instagram until Brian came in.

'mister life saver is here because I brought coke and you haven't had that in at least a month' he opened the door

'I love you' I stood up and grabbed a bottle of coke out his hand. I opened it and drank it, how can something so delicious. 'oh' I moaned and Brian chuckled.

'so how are you feeling?' we both sat down on the couch

'the bigger question is hoe you are feeling?' I crossed my legs.

He sighed and shrugged 'fine I guess'

A silence fell, it wasn't awkward but it wasn't nice. It was like my death was a curse and we couldn't talk about that. Which is weird because I was always going to die, just not do soon.

'you promised me Ava' Brian whispers, I knew exactly what he was talking about.

'I'm sorry' I whisper back looking up at him. His elbows where leaning on him knees and his head was hanging own.

'you fucking promised me' I heard the lump in his throat. 'you promised me that you where going to be a part of that 80%. You said that you'll survive, that you'll heal. You fucking promised' he stood up and looked over me. His eyes looked angry.

'Brian I know and I'm so sorry' I whisper

'how can you be so selfish. You said that so it would make me feel better but you knew that wasn't the case. You gave me false hope' he yelled 'you knew that it was never certain'

'I was thinking positively, you can't be mad about that' I frown. I know he's hurt and sad but so am I. you can't just come here and yell at me for being positive, there is no bad side on being positive.

'I know but you told me you where going to survive' he looks down at me 'and you're not, I'm going to lose you'

'I'm sorry' my shaking voice said

'I'm going to lose my little sister, I'm going to loose the one positive thing in my life' a tear left his eye

'hey hey, don't talk like that' I stood up and grabbed his hands. He was still looking over me because he was way taller than me.

'you are Ava, you've always been the one to cheer me up. Not even dad can do that' he looked down at me

'Brian' I held his hands as his sad eyes looked at me. 'you're not going to lose me. not literally'

'yes you are' he scoffed

'no because I'll always be here' I placed his hand on his heart 'and here' I tapped on his head. 'we will always have the memories. Those will never ever fade. Plus, I'm always going to look down on you and judge every move you make. I'll always be there to whisper a friends quote in your ear. And I'll be so proud when you get married and you get kids. I'll always be here just not literally' I smiled

'but I can never give you a hug. Or talk with you until late in the night' he frowned

'and I'll forever miss that' I smile weak 'I didn't want leukemia- of course i didn't- but I made my peace with it. I'm going to die, that's just a fact. I can't change that so I'm going to live every day from now to my last breath'

'I don't want you to die' he said and then tears fell down his eyes

'me neither' I pulled him in a hug. I kept rubbing his back.

'I love you Ava, I really really do' he whispered

'don't say that, I'm not dying yet. We still have 3 months'

'2' he corrected me.

'3, stay positive' I said and he scoffed,

'I'll try my best'