The Mesh (Raura)

Chapter 30

Tomorrow afternoon

Mom and Colton held me a speech about Naomi based on Colton's information how she's come to study at our college. I'm shook from unpleasant feelings as I remember her.

Boston brings back toxicity to my mind. I wish I'd never met that girl, never interacted with those people, never entered that world.

I was always pure at heart, how my mother says, but that doesn't mean I haven't done some nasty stuff in the past.

Naomi was my first-ever girlfriend back in Boston. She's two years older than me. We'd been dating for about eleven months when we broke up. When we entered the relationship, I had no idea how deep her sins were. I found out that she was on drugs for a while and then, that she earns money for those drugs by stripping off with guys. Every guy she had, everything she did.. every person that touched her, paid her to give them whatever they wanted, it was all too much. I was really in love and I wanted Naomi to belong only to me but I guess that was never possible. Even when she promised she would stop that ugly business and find other source of money, she cheated on me with one of the closest people to me. I'll never forget it. How they made fun of me.

She's my first relationship and my biggest trauma from my teens. I couldn't recover from her for a long time. I think she's the reason why I couldn't develop any deeper feelings for the girls that came after her, not even Lydia. I know I was just a shitty person using the privilege of having a body to keep me warm at night, yet I could never determine whether I loved her or not. It appears that I wanted to love someone, but in reality, in the deepest core of my being, I was so trustless and traumatized, and I couldn't. 

When it comes to Naomi, I think she was truly in love with me too, but there was the addiction she couldn't get over and then, there was her way of living that just couldn't fit with mines. I tried to look past it, to forget, to erase her behavior from my consciousness and just coexist with her, but in the end everything erupted, and I was left alone in the hot mess.

That's another story for me to unfold.

Turns out, only love is not enough. You need a pinch of respect with that, too.

I gulp down the water that I bought at the shop near the campus. It's freezing outside but I'm thirsty and only water can solve that problem for me.

What does she want from me, anyway? We said everything we had to say to each other. Now she is looking for me. What kind of business does she have?

My body feels stiff after the thoughts of her and her multiple betrayals. After her, I just couldn't commit to anyone for years. Three years, to be exact. Even when I did commit, it was never bringing me any good feels. I felt anxiety all the time, I could never return the feelings, I was having trust issues, I dealt with everything in shallow manners. That was my relationship with Lydia. Like I said, I never took relationships seriously at heart.

Really. How do you know if someone really loves you? You can't get into people's heads. Hell, I cannot even get into my own. How do I know that I love someone?

My phone beeps and I take it out, running my eyes across the screen. Relaxation and smile instantly come to me with a wave of peace. I run a hand through my hair and answer.

"Hey Laura. ", I pick up.

"Ross, where are you?"

"I'm coming to my room. I'm at the campus right now. "

"Oh. Okay. You should come to my room. We could drink coffee and just chill. "

"Alright. I'm on my way. I just need to take a shower and change. I'm in these stinking clothes since yesterday. "

"Okay. Anna and Lexi are here too. Jasper is about to come as well. ", Laura tells me.

I pout. "So no alone time?"

"For now but later we could sneak out and go somewhere together. "

"Sounds good to me. Can I kiss you when I come over?", I ask.

"Rossss.. they are all going to be there. ", Laura whines.

"You and the secrecy. ", I groan.

"I can walk out to greet you? Just send me a text when you're near my room. "

"Okay fine. ", I say, already frustrated from her seeing each other in secret rule. Like, why? Why do you need that relationship anyway? What is she so afraid of so she can't act in front of others the way she acts when she's alone with me? I don't get it.

I guess Laura and I are both traumatized, only by different things, in different ways.

I'm in a bad mood when I get to the showers minutes later, images of Naomi, Lydia and Laura switching in my head. They're all the same at one point.

They all love fucking with my mind.

Other points are totally different, for example Naomi could never say what she really meant to other people while Lydia says the things she means, but on the other hand, she holds back a little so she wouldn't hurt people. Only when she's angry, that's when she explodes. Laura could say the exact same thing that lands on her mind, not even thinking it over. That's a good and sometimes a bad quality. It's like a gradation.

Then, when it comes to our relationship...

I was in love with Naomi. Lydia was the one I only liked, we never clicked in the love part.

Laura.. she's something else. It's like she's been here forever. I can't quite figure it out or grasp a fitting term to name what we have.

She knew me before and knows me after everything bad that has happened in my life and she likes me for it, no matter how I appear to her. It feels like she is the home I've been wanting to come back to after travelling for such a long time. Whatever I feel or do with other people, those appear to be only fleeting affairs in comparison to the constant that she is. That's what she is. A constant.

I can never tell what she means or wants or how to expose my feelings toward her though. Sometimes she really annoys me, at other times, she intrigues me, then the third time she's the most loving being in my surroundings. I can't read her mind, even though she's straightforward and brutally honest. It feels like there's more to her always, more than her and I even know. I need to learn more about her. I have that need. I can't fully explain it but it's what I craved ever since I saw her back at Colton's wedding. She put a spell over me, damn it.

Also, what else goes for her... We are not afraid to piss each other off, not even a bit. I am free to be however I want with her, say whatever I want, not afraid if I'll hurt her feelings. That's what comes from being childhood friends, I guess. You're just right out of the 'being super nice to each other' phase when you start the relationship.

What else is different about her? She's the only one out of three my mother actually likes. I'm sure she'd be excited to find out about us, but first we need to come to agreement about what we are.

Walking to Laura's dorm room feels like forever. All the thinking I've done has almost exhausted me. I sent Laura a simple text saying that I'm near her door and she replies with an 'okay'. I see her opening from a few meters away and she gives me a small but bright smile. 

"Hey. ", she looks me in the eyes and frowns. "What's wrong?"

Her small arms wrap around me and she runs her hands up my back. I squeeze her tight and give her a dumbfounded expression.

"What? Why do you think something's wrong?", I chuckle.

"I don't know. You seem out of character today. ", Laura admits, lightly kissing the tip of my nose.

I shake my head and say nothing, my lips landing on hers for a bittersweet kiss.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Sorry it's short but that's all I could do for today! I'll try writing another chap tomorrow or tonight. Give me a vote and comment.

Now we know a little more about Ross but there is still a bunch of things to uncover. Stay with me and find outtt