Don't Leave Me -DISCONTINUED/READ NEWEST CHAPTER-

Suicide

WARNING: This chapter will get kind of dark. Mentions of thoughts of suicide ahead. 

Martin had patrol and he let me be in his room. He told me he would take care of the Tony situation. 

But his parting words right before he left had me thinking. 

"Don't do anything stupid." 

I was confused at first at what he meant. But then it hit me. 

My thoughts go to my eldest sister first. 

The CDC. Jacqui. Andrea.

I didn't understand at the time what she had wanted to do but I understand now. 

My older sister was suicidal. 

And then when Beth took me into the bathroom and cut herself. 

I didn't understand then. 

But I do now. 

Suicide. Suicide was a dirty word and I had never liked it because it kept trying to claim my sister from me. 

What determined that choice? What made someone suicidal? 

Was it a feeling of helplessness? Despair? Trauma? 

Jacqui went for her husband. 

I guess Andrea wanted to go for Amy. 

But she would of left me behind. 

How could my sister want to die knowing that she would leave me behind to fend for myself? 

But laying here in Martin's bed, I suddenly understand. 

I understand why some people turn to suicide. 

I had nobody. 

Negan wouldn't let me go back to Alexandria. They probably wouldn't want me after I told Carl that I killed people. 

I think of all the people that I had lost and were waiting for me. 

I don't know if there was a heaven or a hell but I know that there was an afterlife. 

All my brushes with death. Someone was looking out for me. 

There were so many people that could. And if I died, I would see them again. 

My sisters. Beth. Ma. Daddy. Ma's baby. Justin. Dale. Hershel. Lori. Sophia.

I would leave behind many. 

Carl. Tank. Judith. Enid. Tara. Rosita. 

But they wouldn't want to have me now. 

I killed my parents. And I don't feel bad. 

I was touched by a vile man. 

I've killed two people when I went over the wall at Alexandria. 

If I died right now, would I still go to heaven? Would I see my sisters? Would I get my face back?

But at the moment, I was willing to take the risk. 

My heart hurt. I want Ma. 

There was not stopping my heart from hurting. 

I wanted one of Ma's hug. She always knew when I needed a hug and how long and how hard to hug for. 

Daddy always knew how to make me laugh. 

I was going to be a big brother! I would of protected him. But I didn't even have the chance. 

"Ma!" Her name escapes from my lips in a whimper. "Daddy!"