"I don't want to do this, Minhyungie. It's humiliating"
"You're just gonna talk with someone, just for a bit. Jaemin thinks it can help you. Arms up"
"That's scratchy. Anywise, I don't want to talk about it. I don't wanna go out at all"
"Stop being so whiny"
"…"
"I'm sorry Donghyuck. Look, I know you don't feel up to it, but do you really want to feel this way forever?"
"No..."
"Well good, because I want my shitty ass bastard back. Just give this a chance okay? Jaemin said that it will help you feel better. And that what we want, right?"
"…right"
"Good. So let's just try it for a little while"
"Okay, Minhyungie. I guess I owe you that much, huh?"
Mark smiled and ruffled Donghyuck's hair, at which the younger pouted, hating to be treated as a child.
The older slowly moved across his barricades, finding the way around them one by one. It was hard and it didn't help Donghyuck get any better, but at least he was speaking to him.
Mark often got annoyed by the brunette's behavior and had to remind himself, multiple times a day, that it wasn't Donghyuck's fault. Donghyuck wasn't playing some game. He was sick. Getting mad and yelling at him only made things worse.
But not getting annoyed became a lot harder when Donghyuck lost interest in completing daily functions.
He didn't even feel strong enough to dress himself, so Mark did it for him, stubbornly blocking out Donghyuck's embarrassed and blushing face, as well as the words such as 'cute' that somehow always wandered into his mind when he did.
Currently he was helping the younger slip into his shirt. This will be the first time Donghyuck went out in weeks, so Mark felt rather proud of himself and the brunette alike.
He was sure a walk and a meeting with Donghyuck's newly appointed psychiatrist would help in making him feel better. And that's all Donghyuck really wanted right now. Not to feel like he was trapped in some kind of nightmare.
And Mark was there to help pull him out.
Twenty minutes of awkward scrambling around the apartment later, they were out of the house and Mark laughed when Donghyuck groaned as the sun hit him.
The younger offered him a small smile and Mark was glad that he felt well enough to joke today. After that they walked, mostly in silence. Mark would try to start a conversation every now and then, but Donghyuck was obviously not up to it.
He preferred to just walk in silence and enjoy the sun on his face. It felt rather nice. He seemed okay, so Mark left him be, smiling softly when Donghyuck closed his eyes, enjoying the sun.
The word 'beautiful' snuck into his head this time and he frowned, chasing it away. He couldn't think about Donghyuck like that, especially not now.
He needed to make sure the real Donghyuck, the annoying one gets back. This new one wasn't right. It wasn't Donghyuck.
And he was making him question his emotions, his motives for doing this. For helping his mortal enemy. It was confusing and it needed to stop. He needed Donghyuck back to normal, everything back to normal, as soon as possible.
He was afraid of what change like this might bring. Not that everything was good when it was normal.
But that wasn't scary. Somehow sadistic and manipulative Donghyuck wasn't as scary as sensitive and emotional one. The one that cared. Cared about him. Whose feelings he refused so harshly.
But Mark couldn't accept them. He couldn't accept this. It was crazy and it was terrifying and he didn't understand.
Things would be much better the way they were before.
When they arrived in the psychiatrist's office, Mark barely talked Donghyuck into going in alone.
Donghyuck was obviously very agents idea of 'sharing feelings', but he wanted to feel well again so in the end he walked into that office. And Mark sat down to wait.
"Good morning Donghyuck, how are you feeling today?"
"Shitty and tired"
He knew he promised Mark he'll give this a chance, that he would be nice and everything, but one look at that man's face and he took it all back.
He didn't want to sit here and share his feelings like he was on some girly sleep over. He wanted to go back to bed and never move again.
This was a stupid idea. There was no way that talking to some grey haired old man, gonna make him feel any better.
What he needed were pills. Preferably lethal dose, but he'll settle for coma one too. Nothing could be worse than this.
The man tried to get Donghyuck to open up and all that, trying to get him to talk about his family, his relationships, and his job and well just about anything that came to mind.
At first, he dignified the man with answers, however short and rude they were, but after a while he grew tired of it and the office sank into the silence.
The man studied him and Donghyuck stubbornly ignored it, refusing to even meet the man's eyes. They were unsettling, grey and sharp, looking straight at him like he could see into his soul, however dumb that sounded.
"Donghyuck, you do understand that I can't help you if you don't let me help"
"I don't need help" he spat back. He was feeling more and more tired. This change of pace took its tool on him.
"You need my help. You just don't want it"
Donghyuck huffed, feeling like a corrected child, "So what, it's all the same. I don't want to be here so you may as well let me go"
"You are not a prisoner here. Do you feel like that, like you are imprisoned?"
Donghyuck huffed, but psychiatrist was right. He felt imprisoned. The weight of his depression pulled him down and enabled him to function properly. Made him a burden.
How was he to make Mark love him if all he was doing is being a nuisance? Hell, why was he still worried about that. Mark didn't love him. It was clear as day. He should stop dwelling on that and try to break away from this illogical but smothering sickness that got to him.
He hated feeling this cold all the time.
"Yeah, I guess"
"Can you elaborate?"
Donghyuck sighed, "Why do you need that for, I'm fucking depressed and you are a doctor, you should know how it is"
The man just nodded, seemingly unaffected by his words. "Depression is not the same for all people. It's alright if you can't talk about it, but I was just trying to understand you better. But it's alright. After all, I am asking you to describe your personal hell"
'Personal hell', that was a good word for it. Donghyuck liked this man just a bit more for giving him such a nice description of his situation. Might as well listen to him this one time.
"I feel tired. All the time. No matter how much I sleep. And my mind feels cold and dark and suffocating. Like…like it's covered in tick mud or something. Like I'm covered in it. I can't get out and it's sucking me down and I'm drowning. I know there are people out there. But they don't help. They just want me dead. I used to be afraid of nonexistence, but now…I think it's better…"
"Better?"
"Better than life, I mean. I don't know what will happen after I die. There are so many religions and theories, but nobody knows the truth. I think, I'll just stop existing. I'll be completely erased from this world. That death is really the end, after that there is nothing and you just don't exist anymore. But then, everything you did during life doesn't matter, right? Maybe it's better to not exist at all, than to live in the world full of people who wished you didn't exist. I bet it's…"
"Yes?"
"Less lonely"
