Donghyuck's eyes stared into Mark's ones in disbelief as the blush climbed onto the older's face. Why did he say that? He wasn't even sure he meant it, he just blurted it out.
And now Donghyuck was staring at him like that, completely unresponsive.
What was he thinking, was he happy because he thought Mark accepted his feelings? Was he sad, because in some weird way his depression turned this bad, like it did to so many things the younger loved? What was he thinking?
Donghyuck's mind was racing. One part of him, the one that held his feelings for Mark at bay for so long, rejoiced and let them lose, allowing all of his emotions to spread through his chest like fireworks, painting everything in lively colors of happiness.
But the other part of him. The cold and calculative part, ruled by his depression, stared at the display cold heartedly.
He could not believe it. He wanted to, but he couldn't. Mark hated him. That was a fact.
Mark loved him. That was a hopeful dream. Mark is a good guy and wants to help. Another fact. Mark is using desperate means to defeat his depression. Quite a possible theory.
Mark is saying all of this because he thinks it'll help Donghyuck's state. It will make him happy.
But the moment Donghyuck is announced well again, the older will go back to hating him.
After all there was nothing on him to love.
He was a monster. A creepy stalker, a weirdo that hid in the shadows and hurt people the best he could just to show them how he feels. He was a freak.
"I- Donghyuck, umm, I really didn't mean to hurt your feelings or something. I was just thinking out loud. Please don't cry"
Crying?
Was he crying?
Donghyuck wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and realized that, indeed, they were moist.
He was really pathetic. A pathetic freak.
He's just trouble to anyone around him. Just look at Mark. He's been practically babysitting him for more than weeks and now he even feels obliged to lie, just to make him happy.
He destroyed Mark's life. Mark should be screaming at him right now and beating the fuck out of him. Not looking at him with those tender, concerned eyes.
He didn't deserve it.
He was a burden.
A monster.
Everything would be better if he was never born.
Everything would be better if he died.
...
Just at the moment when he reached that terrifying conclusion for who knows what time in his life, Mark acted.
Sooner then he could blink, the brunette was wrapped up in a firm hug, Mark's chin rested on his shoulder as he whispered comforting words into the younger's ear.
His hand rubbed comforting circles on his back, tempting Donghyuck to just let go and fall into the rhythm of reassuring rubs and Mark's gentle voice.
He didn't deserve it, he knew. He knew well.
But he wanted it. He wanted so bad to be held like this. So carefully and tenderly by Mark. It was perfect. He knew he didn't deserve it, but it felt so good, so right.
Maybe he could enjoy it. Just for a bit. Just a tiniest little bit.
He relaxed in the older male's arms, nuzzling his head into his neck and breathing in the sweet scent that was just Mark's.
It felt so right. So good and safe and warm.
Perfect.
Just like he always imagined it would be.
"Since when did you turn into a drama queen? " Mark murmured softly, sensing that Donghyuck's little episode has come to an end and that the younger was calm enough to joke with.
Donghyuck chuckled against his will, "Wasn't I always one?"
"Nah, before you were more annoying"
Donghyuck rolled his eyes as he pushed himself away from the warm embrace. He wanted to stay in that calming hug, but he and Mark needed to talk. Seriously.
"Do you really mean it or are you just messing with me?" he asked as he looked at the older, his eyes just wanting the truth, no matter how much it may hurt.
A lie would hurt more once it was discovered.
Mark scratched the back of his head in thought. Donghyuck asked a serious question, an important question for him, so it would be awful of him to give him some quick, emotion caused, not thought through answer.
He needed to tell the truth.
The truth about how he felt.
"Well, in whole honesty, I'm not sure. Don't get mad, okay. I feel something. But it's just so damn confusing.." the older stopped, realizing that he was getting too frustrated.
Mark took a deep breath, reminding himself not to crush anything just because he was annoyed at his weird feelings and continued,
"There is something. I'm just not sure is it love or is it just a crush. I mean, we've been living together for a while. It's probably normal to start thinking that way or something…right?"
Donghyuck shrugged mulling over Mark's words. They weren't a yes, but they weren't a no too.
That was a maybe.
A maybe that could go either way. He was stepping on the tight rope here. And Mark was waiting on the other side. He just hoped that in the worst case, there was a security net bellow.
But somehow he doubt it.
"So…what now?" the younger asked and watched Mark scratch his neck in uncertainty again.
Donghyuck was usually the one doing the thinking, but this depended on Mark.
He was the uncertain one.
"Well…I guess we could give it a try. No harm in trying right?" Mark smiled sheepishly and Donghyuck smiled back slightly.
The emotions in his chest did another round of fireworks.
Mark was being so careful, so considering. He understood that if he went too fast and gave Donghyuck too much hope, he could seriously hurt the younger.
And the last thing Donghyuck needed was another cruel rejection.
It would be a finishing blow for sure.
Mark stepped on to the tight rope too.
But he had to make sure not to shake the rope too much.
Or else Donghyuck might fall.
"What…what if this doesn't work out? Will you be alright?" Mark asked, concern lining every word.
Donghyuck thought about it.
Will he be alright?
After all he has been living with Mark for weeks with no promises of anything and he was relatively fine. So, if he doesn't let his hopes go up and continues looking at this logically.
"I'll be the best I can. I tell you if I don't feel well, okay? We'll just have to, I don't know, balance it out?"
Mark nodded.
They were stepping on to the dangerous territory here, for he already rejected Donghyuck before. Nobody knew how much more the depressed man could handle. But if it did work out, if they became a real couple…
Would it shed just a little more light into Donghyuck's grey world?
