Kagamine Oneshots

Masculine Pride vs Feminine Grace vs Childish Innocence

A/U: A little warning, this is not for kids twelve years old and above or the people who have no background with the reproductive system.

I'm trying to save your milky innocent minds.

This is me trying to unleash my sarcastic and perverted side for once. Then I'll contemplate at the end of this chapter whether I'll be unleashing it again.

Don't worry, it's not a lemon or lime or anything else rated SPG. but just to be sure, I'll be putting it on a rated 13 for sarcasm and the mention of reproduction.

(Why do I found so professional at that part? Must have been the coffee.)

.......................

So this is me on Tuesday, at 3:00 am, downing my fifth cup of decaf coffee trying my best not to look like a drunk zombie on a Friday night.

Usually, I spend these precious moments snoring away till five before I go to work. But now, my alcohol influenced wife is finally asleep, high on sleeping pills, after a three hour àmusic session with a makeshift pots-and-pans drum, claiming that she is the greatest musician of the twenty-first century and will lead us in the times of post apocalyptic warfare with mechanicalized, highly intelligent and advance calculus master, crickets.

It shouldn't be an issue since I have the day off tomorrow, (I called in at work after having a premonition of me dancing in a chicken suit the next day while nusing my wife with a hangover.)

Women. One of the thousand mysteries even Sherlock Holmes can't solve. Next to the mystery of vanishing toilet paper that is. Not that I categorize my own wife with toilet paper. Just saying that it's one of the mysteries that everyone wold like to know but doesn't have drive to solve. Think about it. If you research about vanishing toilet paper or why do women watch on Netflax on a daily basis, it would not look good on your browser history (unless you go incognito). So society just chose to let it be.

It was huge relief that my best friend Oliver, Godbless his soul, took care of our baby girl for tonight. Although as a father, I can't help but be concerned about several issues such as Oliver trying to hook up my two year old daughter with his son, thinking that finally we'll be related or something. Or maybe Oliver trying to dress her up as a mutated mochi and post picture of her on Instagram along with his son dressed as toothless crocodile as a gift for his age defying mother who loves imitating the Kardashians.

Anyway, that isn't the biggest case right now. It's how to avoid my wife who seems to believe that it's time for mating season.

"Leeen~~"

A cold shiver ran up my spine when I heard her call my name in a sing-sing voice. I haven't heard that tune since before our daughter was born.

"Please. For your sake and mine, take some shut eye." I sighed and carressed her hair.

To tell you the truth, I've been trying to escape her clutches since 12 o'clock this morning. But every time she manages to see me she keeps belting out like a wolf howling that we do it while the full moon is still out.

She might have watched too many twilight (which is horrible by the way) and warewolf movies for my taste, and safety in this matter.

So here I am, trying to stay saf--- err... I mean awake, nursing her everytime she vomits, which is almost every thirty minutes or so. And If I do manage to sleep, my masculinity is in danger. How does that woman do it? Playing tag half asleep and vomit on her lips? And I am having a hard time deciding if it's actually amusing or amazing.

While I do not wish for a Platonic relationship with her, I'd rather do it while she's in her right mind, not drunk like a sailor.

Groggy eyes drifted to the clock to check the time. It's already 4 o'clock? That fast?

*yaaaawn* I'm getting really sleepy. I glance back at Rin who is currently sleeping, no intention of waking up soon.

"Maybe a few minutes would be fine." I say before I let sleep consume me.

"I TAKE IT BACK! I SERIOUSLY TAKE IT BACK! IT'S NOT ALRIGHT AT ALL!

LET ME GO WOMAN!" I desperately scream as I tried to take off the rope that tied me onto the chair I was just sleeping in a few moments ago.

Ohh God! What did I do to deserve this? Why did I permit my wife to go celebrate with her friends to go drinking at Miku's bachelorette party? I know that she has a low wine tolerance, like, really low. And I knew better than to underestimate Miku's persuading capabilities.

I wouldn't be surprised one day I would see a video of my wife and her friends singing "Young wild and free" while table topping, and nailing it in the process.

"Long time no shee Len." Rin says seductively with a slur.

"No. On the contrary, I see you everyday."

"You're always bushee with work. It's like you fowget me and ouwa baby."

"I literally post a picture of our family on Instagrem on a daily basis!"

"You hate me, don't you?!"

"My co workers accuse me with unnecessary discussion on inappropriate times! And that's not even a big deal!"

"I'm fat and ugly! And I can't cook without help and I'm sure our daughter hates me too!" All of a sudden Rin bawls her eyes out. And len wonders how long will it take for her to be sober.

"Rin, as much as I would want to hug you right now, my hands are literally tied. You're still drunk! So let me go woman!" Len regrets the words he said as it escapes his mouth.

"No. Now that I have you, I won't let you go. "

"I implore you for respectful reconsideration m'lady."

"Not." Run takes out package tape and rips it long. "Allowed."

"HEEEEELLP!!!"

A few innocent hours later...

I see someone enter our apartment with our two year old daughter in hand to a scene that she would never forget till his senior years. I curse my fate while watching the scene unfold.

I am incapacitated at the moment because of my gag and binds. And Rin was currently out of it. Damn this thing called fate

"Ne ji-chan?"

"Yes my little mochi?"

"Why is papa tied to a chair and looks like he wants to go to the potty?"

Now, our daughter is a curious child, ever since she was born. I would not be surprised if one day she would begin to doubt Hawkings' claims that the Earth would one day be taken over by artificial intelligence. Like, do machines really have the capability to gain consciousness and order burgers from WcDonald's or something.

"He's just playing with your mama dear."

"Really?"

"Yup. So why don't you go to your room and put back your stuff while Intake a picture of your daddy."

"Why?"

"Because it's part of the game."

Oliver turns to meet his friends pleading gaze. A preadator grin graced his lips as he took out his phone.

"Now smile for the camera Len!"

Damn Oliver and his love for Instagrem. Good thing I still have my pants on.