Cold Hearted (Kris Bryant)

Never Giving Up

Kehlani

As Kris starts up with baseball he starts to be unavailable more. I knew this was coming, that's why I didn't let him get close. But what I didn't realize is that every time I told him no I was screaming yes inside. Every time he left I started to miss him with every fiber of my being. Every time I would go to class I would stare at the door waiting for him to come find me and give me a smile before sitting next to me.

It's to the point that I can no longer deny that I had feelings for him. Strong feelings at that. My sister couldn't have been more right and that's what scares me. It's not going to take him much longer to figure out what my sister has and once he does... there's no way I can deny him.

And it's not like I wanted to. Kris is a incredible guy who has been nothing but good to me. Even when I didn't deserve it. He sees through my personality flaws and my rough background and wants to help. He wants to be with me and I'm not going to lie... I want to be with him too. But I just don't see how that can happen without me getting terribly hurt in the end.

I look across the way and see Kris sitting on his bed. He had just gotten back from a tournament for baseball down in Florida and even had a nice tan going on. He had the box I had given him for his birthday next to him as he ate some snacks from it. I smile to myself as he tucks it away under his bed.

Then within a second my smile is gone as I see a girl walk into Kris' room. And not just any girl. It was my roommate who I'm sure has sex with every other guy on that baseball team besides Kris. And I figured he was decent enough to not go down that road. He was smart and decent and... letting her do whatever she wanted with him right in front of my eyes.

She sits on the bed next to him and places her hand on his knee. She slowly slides her hand up his thigh before kicking her leg over and sitting in his his lap. She leans forward until her face was right on top of his before leaning in to kiss him and I decided that I had seen enough.

I quickly close my eyes to refrain from seeing what happened next. I abruptly get up from my desk and head out to wherever it was my feet take me. I don't grab my phone or my keys or even a coat. I walk straight out of my dorm and to the nearest body of water I can find.

I end up back at the park I went to on New Years before finding a small pond and sit down on the dock that overlooked it. My feet dangle over the water as I stare at my reflection.

What am I doing? I'm really getting worked up about a boy I won't even let in. He's not my boyfriend, I have no right to get upset that he's with another girl. But at the same time it hurt so bad. These emotions that I keep denying are no longer deniable. And now it all came back to hit me in the face. Everything I was trying to avoid was right there in front of me in the reflection of the water.

I spend hours out there just sitting in silence. At least what felt like hours. It was actually pretty cold, but not to the point that the pond was frozen. But still cool enough that my nose was starting to get red. And with the sun now setting behind me I knew I would have to go back eventually. But I wasn't ready to go back.

After a while I hear someone walk out to the doc. They sit next to me and I see Kris' reflection appear in the water next to mine.

"Why are you out here? It's freezing" he asks. I don't do anything as I stare at my reflection on the pond. "Hello" he asks as he nudged my shoulder. But I don't budge as I stand my ground. "Did I do something wrong" he finally questions.

"Out of all the people in the world... her" I ask and he looks at me with a confused look on his face.

"What are you talking about" he questions.

"I saw you and Samantha in your room earlier today" I tell him and he freezes.

"I don't know why you think you saw-" he starts.

"Isn't that what someone says right after they do something wrong" I question.

"Can you stop being such a smart ass for one fucking second so I can explain myself" he asks. I let out a long sigh before nodding my head. "She came over to hang out with my roommate but she let herself back into my room. I had just gone through your box you gave me and I was feeling a little sentimental and she noticed. She asked what's wrong and before I could finish explaining she crawled into my lap and tried to kiss me. But I didn't let her" he claims.

"You let her get that far" I accuse and he kind of smiles at me.

"Are you jealous" he asks.

"No. I'm confused on how you can tell me all these things, who you are and who you're not. Who I am to you. Yet you still let someone like that into your room, into your bed" I ask.

"I hardly see how this is a problem for you" he claims.

"You're always a problem for me. I wanted nothing to do with you but you're all I can think about. I wanted to hate you but you wouldn't let me. I wanted to be by myself and continue to see this world for the piece of shit it is, but then you came along talking about dreams and hopes and you sucked me in. You actually got me for a second" I admit.

"I'm not trying to get you Lani. I'm trying to be with you. To grow with you. I want to see you dream and then turn it to a reality. I want to see you fall in love with the game of baseball all over again. I want to roll over in bed one day and see your beautiful eyes staring at me.

And I know you want this too. You keep telling me you don't because you're scared. Scared of what you could feel towards me if you just let yourself. You know that I would never mess around with Samantha but you're telling yourself I will so you won't want to be with me. But you still do" he accuses.

"Why do you think you know everything about me" I question.

"Who around here knows you better than I do" he asks and I freeze. "Besides your sister I'm the only other one who knows you. And not the you that you tell people you are. But the real you. And that person is beautiful and creative and inspiring and funny. But that girl hides behind this hideous persona you've created to shelter yourself" he says.

"And don't you think I've had good enough reasons to be the way I am? In a perfect world I would have my mom and Dad and my sister would be out here with me and we would be well on our way to building our future together. But I don't live in this dream world. I live right here in reality, where I know that if I end up with you I will get hurt" I explain.

"Kinda like you are right now... because we aren't together" he asks.

"Yeah... kinda like that" I admit.

"When are you going to give this up" he asks me.

"When it stops hurting" I insist.

"You know that's never going to happen" he say and I smile a little.

"That's kinda the point" I smirk.

"I'm never going to give up on you" he insists and I finally let out a real smile.

"I was hoping you wouldn't."