Love Song (LGBTQ+) (COMPLETED)

11. Ender

Where was I? Why was everything so cold when it was warm just a minute ago? Wasn't I at a party with Nathan? Then why was it so quiet, and where was he at? If I had been able to remember correctly, Joanna gave me the bikini and then Nathan pushed us in. I also remember sitting at the edge of the ground, letting my feet float in the water as he talked about Joanna and his crush on her. The rest was foggy, but I had a lot of fun.

If I had fun, then what had this awful, harrowing pain been in my lower body? It hurt so abominably, like I'd been stabbed by a knife over and over, and over. Where did it come from? As I took a deep breath, all I could manage to do was curl into a ball, as though the pain would somehow vanish if I successfully did that. How come everything was so hazy, and how come I was in so much pain? Where was Nathan? What the hell happened?

"Damn."

Pain? Breathing? What was this tightness around my throat? As quick as lightening, my whole body was overtaken by the remembrance of pain, breathing, and the sensation of hands around my throat. It was just a dream, right? Nathan was going to come up and tell me that I hurt myself, right? I begged and begged to myself in a petrifying silence, hoping that Nathan would come. I had seriously been ready to pray. I needed someone, I needed something.

It was all so blurry, but something happened to me. As much as I wanted to lie to myself, the shooting pain in between my legs made it more than obvious.

"Ly-"

"Leave me alone." I nearly shouted as I attempted to shoo away the person I had been so desperately calling for, before he even had a chance to say a single word. The trembling in my voice had been stronger than the actual words themselves. ". . .just leave me alone."

Quietly, Nathan remained in place. He hadn't moved. That was, until he had figuratively broken down the weak walls that still stood within me. Nathan reached forward, and softly, his hand attempted to sit on my shoulder. I had no idea why, but I could feel myself begin to shiver. I began to tremble like an earthquake went off inside of my body, ravaging everything that still existed. I lost control of myself, I had no exit.

"Damn."

As I slapped Nathan's hand away, both of my hands rushed back, slamming themselves over my mouth. I screamed and screamed, and screamed. All of it came rushing back, Devin being on top of me, forcing himself into me, the sharp pain that cut through my lower body like a knife. I saw all of it replaying in my head and I couldn't have done a damn thing about it. I could hear myself screaming in my head, crying for help. Her help, someone's help.

The screaming that stormed out from my mouth wasn't just what happened that night. It had been the culmination of everything I'd ever held back. It was all of the pain, all of the guilt, and all of the regret that. All of it had come from my mouth - and it didn't want to end, spilling free like a broken faucet. Scream after scream, shout after shout, it never stopped pouring out. The only things that existed within me had been the toxic air I breathed and the heavy tears that roared free from my eyes.

What was this feeling? Anger? Confusion? No, it hadn't been either. It was more ambiguous than that, so much more ambiguous.

I was terrified.

I was terrified of the darkness inside me, and I was terrified of what it would guide in. I was terrified of Grace finding out about how far I had fallen, terrified that she wouldn't want me, even if I had needed her. I was terrified of how my parents would look at me, how Brian would look at me. How would they have looked at me if they knew this happened? Would they have still been okay with me? Would they have loved the broken mess that I was destined to become? Would Grace still love this mess, or would she leave me, too?