Love Song (LGBTQ+) (COMPLETED)

15. Feeler

Stop pretending, Lynn. You aren't okay. . .you never will be okay. The only time you're even tolerable to be around is after you've buried that fucking needle in your arm. You actually aren't akin to a walking funeral when you're high. Yet, what are you doing here? You're pretending that you're okay, just like you've always done. You haven't changed one bit, and you never will change one bit. This is what you've become, and this is what you are: a worthless junkie.

You've driven everything you love away. Your parents, Nathan, and even the girlfriend you loved so much. Bullshit? Well, you could have ran off with her to start. Nobody would have blamed either of you, especially outside of Ely. So, yeah, Lynn. Her suicide attempt was your fault. You and your hopelessly dense mind pushed her away. You let her cries fall on deaf ears, just like yours did.

Disgusting. You're disgusting human trash. The world would be better off with you gone.

My eyes flew open, and were immediately met with the darkness of the cloudy night. Restless, I tried to close my eyes again and attempted to go back to sleep. Grace. Grace. Grace. Why was she all I ever saw when I closed my eyes? As if I lacked any other thoughts, I was only able to visualize Grace and Devin in my mind every night. My closed eyes filled the darkness with projected images of her and all of her smiles. Those were what brought me to a slumber.

In that slumber, the darkness would fall over me. It would remind me how awful I was and how I ruined everything. It would scream at me and tell me how worthless I was. Day and night, I was reminded of how entirely fucked up I was and how much better I was when I was high. The night was always the worst time for me, because that was when I had the time to think. That was when it got the loudest.

The voice in my head, that is. It beat me to a pulp every night, it tortured me, and it wanted to kill me. It's words cut me open and ripped out my organs like a surgeon, precise and knowing. It came after me, and it wanted to hurt me. It wanted me to die.

I knew the voice wasn't real, but there were times it did feel real. The pain it wanted to inflict was real, and the words it said were real. It just didn't have a body to physically hurt me with, otherwise it would have. After Grace disappeared from my daily life, it became meaner and crueler. It ripped away at me and my confidence, leaving the door wide open for the darkness to eke it's way inside of me.

Rolling over, my eyes restlessly met a clock that read twelve thirty-seven in the morning. It had been a half hour past midnight and as usual, I was unable to sleep peacefully. An inaudible sigh escaped from my lips as I pushed myself up and looked across the room to see Joanna sleeping soundly, or at least it seemed like it. In a moment where I was sure that my eyes weighed more than I did, I climbed out of the bed and headed for the door, slowly opening it and exiting the room.

Rebecca had explained that to avoid romances and sexual contact, girls were placed with girls and likewise for the boys. I was able to understand the logic, but I found it kind of funny that they disregarded same-sex relationships or interests. I guess when there wasn't a risk of pregnancy, it wasn't that big of a deal. It just kind of turned into a passing thought that never really returned.

Immediately hit with a frosty hallway, I turned a full circle before deciding to go to the lounge room and explore on the way. Every door I passed seemed to either be locked or have the lights off, until I walked into the lounge room again. Just to the left of the doors, there was a huge bay window that gave sight to the ramp underneath it and the water surrounding the area. During the day, it was beautiful. At night? It was sort of creepy. Like Crystal Lake creepy.

As my eyes scanned the bay window from left to right, my sight landed on the door where I saw a figure sitting on the railing on the other side of the door, appearing to study the cloudy sky above him. He was clearly thinking about something, or maybe nothing at all.