Who's Mind Is In My Mind? (complete)

Chapter 4

That's not to say that I hadn't dreamed at all, because I had. I had dreamed of my Roza; of the lust charm, Spokane, the cabin and the church. Of all the mistakes that I had made with my soul mate, of all the times that I had hurt her.

Without my soul mate life just didn't feel like it was worth living anymore. Since Roza left... since I had chased her away, I was slowly and painfully dying from the inside out. And yet no one noticed, no one could tell, I hid it too well. Roza would have been able to tell, she would have fixed me or she would have died trying.

After getting my morning shower I went to the gym to train. The first thing I did was go out onto the track and run.

While I was running I lost myself thinking about my time with Roza. It felt like just last night when we'd made love in the cabin. It felt like that almost every day because some nights, just like last night. I would dream of how it had felt to hold her, to caress her smooth soft skin, to kiss her full soft supple lips. How it had felt when her body had held mine close to her how it had felt being held inside of her.

How she had touched me, kissed me, loved me. How her voice sounded when she told me that she loved me. And how she sounded when she had made that dangerous promise to never let anything happen to me.

I had promised her that I would never hurt her. But I had hurt her, I had hurt her so badly that she'd ran away from the pain that I had brought to her. Now, she is out there in the world somewhere, thinking that I don't love her anymore. When nothing could be further from the truth.

I did, do and always will love her. I love her more than anything or anyone that I had ever known, I love her more than my own life and happiness. No one could ever take her place in my heart, my mind or in my soul. She was all that I had ever wanted and yet I had driven her away. How could I have ever been so yeblya stupid and selfish?!! (fucking)

I missed her to the point of my current mental instability, having to live without her was driving me crazy. I didn't know how to live a life without her in it anymore. That much was obvious to myself as well as anyone and everyone who had ever even remotely known anything whatsoever about me.

Except for Natasha Ozera apparently. But then, Natasha didn't really know anything about me, she never had. I had just let her think that she did to keep the peace. No one really knew me, except for my beautiful Roza. She and Ivan, had been the only two people in the world that had ever really and truly known me. And even Ivan hadn't known me as well as my beautiful Roza.

I spent my days in anguish without my Roza by my side and I by hers. And my nights were spent in memories of our every shared word, touch, kiss and caress. Every moment that we had spent together haunted my dreams. Along with those dreams, about that poor devastated and destroyed woman.

I honestly don't know how much longer that I can go on living without my Roza in my life. Every day I got closer and closer to just giving up everything and going back to Baia.

The only two things that were holding me here. Were the fact that Roza had loved me enough to ensure that I would be a guardian again, by giving me her own title. And the hope that someday somehow, she would come back to me.

Eventually I came back to myself, and realized that I had been running for two hours which meant that I had run almost fifty-five miles. That was a new record, even for me. Leaving the track I went inside to finish my work out.

(Not realistic for a human, but Dimitri is a dhampir, and this is fiction. 😉)

This continued to be my routine for the next three months. If I wasn't working, I was training. If I wasn't doing either of those two things then I was sleeping, hoping for more of those dreams. Another reason to keep living. Because without my Roza I just couldn't find one. I'd ripped both of our hearts and souls to pieces that day in the church.