Alexithymia (noun): Inability to identify and express or describe one's feelings verbally.
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Hyunjin~
I heard faint murmurs in my sleep... or was it reality? My eyes fluttered open and I came to face my crying wife. She's afraid, speechless, hurt.
Jennie's bleeding. A lot.
"My baby..." she whimpered.
"Let's go now." I carried her in my arms and quickly ran downstairs. I tried not to panic for her own sake.
It won't stop. She's constantly bleeding.
"I'm scared... what if?" I placed her in the car, not caring if the seats get stained or what.
"Shh, don't say that. We'll get through this." I held her hand in support while the other is stirring the wheel. At this point, I don't even know- I'm afraid too.
We arrived at the ER, and everything else came by in a flash. I wasn't even allowed inside the room, so I was then left outside. Alone.
I waited.
Every second that went by, felt like an eternity.
The doctor's footsteps were in slow motion.
But my heart wasn't.
"Sorry to inform you... but unfortunately, there has been a miscarriage. I'm very sorry." The doctor formally told me.
I feel responsible for this.
Because I wasn't there to take care of her when I was supposed to.
I made Jennie go through such a hard time. Instead of taking care of her and Eunha, I slept with someone else. I hurt Jennie, mentally and almost physically. I wasn't there to comfort her during the toughest times, she went to university even though she didn't have to, I said rude things to her that lowered her self-esteem. I stressed her out and made things tougher for her.
I lost our baby.
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Jennie~
The doctor told me everything.
I lost Eunha.
It's all my fault. If I took care of her and myself better, she would still be here with me. I shouldn't have stressed myself out too much- I should have just stayed unbothered by everything.
Eunha was my only happiness.
Now I've lost her too.
"Jennie..." Hyunjin came in the room and held my hand.
"I'm so sorry..." I cried in his arms. My heart just hurts way too much- I've never experienced this kind of pain in my life.
"You didn't do anything wrong! You did well. Please don't blame yourself." He caressed my hair. I pulled away from his hug and noticed the tears forming in his eyes.
"It was me who was carrying her. I didn't take care of myself, I was stressed all the time, up to the point where I couldn't even sleep..." I started to choke on my own tears. "I never even got to hold her in my arms, feed her and spoil her. I never got the chance to be a mother to her."
"If I was with you from the very start, then none of this would have happened. It was me who stressed you out- blame me. Don't hurt yourself anymore."
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Hyunjin~
It's been a week now since we got home from the hospital.
Jennie hasn't been eating, whenever I tried to make her, she'd either refuse or throw it up right after. The doctors diagnosed her with insomnia.
She hasn't spoke to me, she's always zoned out or crying, she can't do anything by herself anymore.
It hurts me to see her like this.
"You really need to eat something," I laid a bowl of porridge right in front of her, but she didn't even look at it. "Jennie... please cooperate. You need to be strong."
She closed her eyes and tears immediately fell down her cheeks.
"Hun, we haven't been to Greece yet. Once you're more healthy, let's go there together! If you want, we could even travel allover Europe..." I kneeled in front of Jennie and held her hands. "Please talk to me. I really miss you."
She opened her eyes, and just blankly stared at me.
"Jennie! We can't do anything about it, what happened already happened!" I yelled because I couldn't hold it in anymore. She's abusing herself- it's killing me too. I'm dying of concern, thinking of the possibility that maybe I won't ever get to hear her voice again.
"But I could have prevented it. What hurts me is the thought that one minute she's there, the next she isn't anymore..." She took out a baby's pacifier from her pocket and handed it to me. We bought this together. "Because of my emotions, I lost her-"
"Because of my ignorance, my selfishness, we lost her..." I leaned in closer until our foreheads touched. "If you want to hurt yourself, don't do it. Hit me instead. Let it out- don't blame yourself. You didn't do anything wrong. You took care of her when I didn't, and that's way more than good enough."
