how to fall in love - jercy

11 - the exception

p.j.

rain.

it started as i pulled up to jason's apartment. it drizzled against the windows, softly humming and turning the world a monochromatic swatch of blue.

jason grace was in grey sweatpants and a white tshirt. we laid on the bed, side by side, staring at the ceiling, listening to rain pitter against glass.

"why?" he asked.

"why what?"

"why don't you believe in true love?"

"because nothing is true. how can love be true if it's not even something that can be defined?" i said. i didn't want to look at him. i knew i sounded really bitter and angsty.

"you sound bitter,"

there it is.

i know he's looking for answers. and i'm looking for someone to tell them to. i know i shouldn't be feeling so nervous to tell someone. i've never fully admitted what happened to anyone aloud.

"i fell in love once." i began. i glanced at jason who was hanging onto every word. "i was young and he was a little older. he was blonde and strong and everything i wanted to be then. he had this vibe to him- didn't take shit from anyone. he was convinced the world was out to get him and that the idea of humanity was offensive. as a teenager who was very angry at the world, i found this very appealing. and i was really, well, stupid at the time. i was so caught up in my own ego. i thought i was the shit for dating someone older and cooler than me. it was obvious he was just using me. he never cared about anyone. i thought i could be his exception. needless to say, i came to my senses eventually. that was the last time i let myself say i love you to someone other than my mom."

i felt bad for jason. i dumped this whole heavy story on him and now he has to find a way to respond.

"so that's why, then?"

"i guess that's what helped bring me to the conclusion." i said, turning to look at him. he didn't look sad or confused. he just looked thoughtful. "do you believe in true love?"

"...yes. i just never believed i may ever get to experience it." he explained. "it was always one of those things that everyone partook in and for a very long time, i just accepted that it would never be for me."

that's even sadder than my explanation.

"may i ask why?"

"well it's only fair. i've only been in one serious relationship. i asked her out because everyone told me to. she was a good person. she was strong and intelligent so everyone matched her with me. we dated. and the longer we dated, the more she became attached to me. the longer we dated, the more others seemed to approve of us. we were just the couple that made the most sense. and the more we dated the more i felt out of place but it became increasingly hard to break up with her. i eventually did but i had wasted months of her life and months of the lives of the people around me." the rain continued to pitter patter harder against the window. i could feel the air getting chillier as the sun dipped lower behind the clouds. "so i started to wonder why relationships never worked for me. you know, maybe i'm just not capable of love. i couldn't adequately love someone as good as her. maybe i was never meant to love at all."

i wanted so bad to get closer to him, but was deathly afraid of doing so.

"i don't think that's true." i said. "if you aren't capable of loving someone, why did you want to talk to me?"

"because you're my exception."

"don't lie to me."

there was silence again with only the sounds of rain and rush of cars in the streets below to fill the air.

"do i remind you of him?" he asks finally, the silence almost drowning him out.

"why would you?"

"i don't know. am i like him or something?"

i let out a weak laugh. "no. you're blonde and blue eyed and have a scar on your face but that's where similarities end. he was arrogant and rebellious and was convinced that the world wasn't good enough for him everything's about him and what he wants. and you... you'd let the world step all over you as long as it'd make someone smile."

jason started to smile ruefully. "yeah, piper always says i have a problem with communicating what i want."

"so... what do you want?"

he was quiet for a while. "this. just to stay here with you."

i nestled closer to him like i've been wanting to for the past few minutes and closed my eyes and let the sound of rain and the rhythm of jason's breathing calm my heart so it'd beat at a normal pace again.

"jason?"

"hm?" he murmured in my ear.

"i believe you. you're my exception, too."