how to fall in love - jercy

20 - breathing

j.g.

bzzt bzzt bzzt

percy calling me in the middle of the day? my heart was beating hard in my chest, wondering what was wrong. we always called at night.

"percy?"

there was nothing but percy hyperventilating on the other end.

"what's going on?"

"i- i- i ssaw- s-" he choked.

"slowly. slow breaths."

"i- i have to move."

"what?"

"t-to calif-fornia, canada," his breathing was improving, but he still made no sense. "no, maybe off this c-continent- italy, australia-"

"where are you?" i grabbed my jacket and my keys. i guess i'm not going to work.

"apartment."

"talk to me while i drive. what happened?"

"i thought- i-i saw him-" he stuttered between gasps.

"who?"

"g-g-gabe,"

"oh,"

"but h-he looked s-s-straight at me and he d-didn't even blink-"

"maybe it's not him."

he says nothing and only breathes shakily.

"i'm almost there, percy," i tell him gently.

i park the car and start sprinting up stairs. i knock on his door and let myself in with a spare key he gave me.

"percy?"

i hear the soft panicked breathing from his bedroom.

"percy..."

i wrap my arms around him and let him lay his head against my chest and it calms him. he's still heavily breathing, but he's slowing down.

"h-h-he looked just like him."

"it's probably not him, it's okay," i whisper softly.

"i know. it can't be him. he's in prison. it's j-just..." he says even quieter, with a broken softness i've never heard from him. his voice was like shattered glass. his breathing was like waves crashing against rocks. "...isn't it so pathetic?"

"what?"

"i see some d-dude vaguely looking like some other dude and i-i lose my fucking shit. it's s-stupid,"

"that doesn't mean you're pathetic or weak," i argue. "i think you're one of the strongest people i know,"

he laughed weakly, still sniffling. "i don't,"

"i do."

"i'm sorry you have to see me like this,"

"percy,"

"i'm sorry i'm such a fucking pussy,"

"percy,"

"i'm sorry i'm a mess and i'm just dragging you into it-"

"shut the fuck up," i whisper. he buries his face in my chest and inhales deeply. "are you calling me a liar?"

"...i ain't calling you a truther."

a smile tugged at my lips. i let my fingers run through his hair. i twirl his dark strands between my fingers. there's a deep and heavy silence settling in the air. i can hear every shaky inhale and exhale.

"feeling fear just makes you human," i tell him quietly.

"then i wish i were an alien," percy said, his voice muffled against my shirt.

"i wish everyone was a bit more like you. more human. it's no good to be unafraid and completely self assured. we'd all be robots,"

"then i wish i were a robot," he grumbled.

"but, percy-" there's sounds of traffic from outside, but it feels so far away, it sounds like a distant dream. i wonder if there was anyone that exists in the world outside other than the two of us right now. "if you were a robot, you'd never love me and i'd never love you. so isn't it worthwhile to be human?"

percy groaned. "i guess," there was a brief moment of silence. he looks up at me, his bright green eyes peeking through his disheveled hair. "you always have to see the good side of things, don't you?"

"it's a survival tactic. when you have no control over a situation, it's the only thing you can do." i tell him.

percy sighs. "you're such a good guy, jason. you're just so fucking good all the damn time. it makes me sick to think that you lowered your standards to me."

i pushed his hair out of his eyes. they're sad and dark as if a storm was brewing behind them. they're brimming with racing thoughts and words. he averts his gaze as his cheeks turn pink when he notices me studying him. "look at you. you're the best thing that ever happened to me."