how to fall in love - jercy

15 - i love you too

p.j.

"he said... iloveyou," i mumbled.

"he said what? sorry didn't catch that," grover said, swallowing a huge bite of his enchilada.

"he said- ugh-," i said louder. "he said i love you."

annabeth almost choked on her coffee. grover looked like he just saw a unicorn.

"yes! it's finally happening!" grover said ecstatically.

"and did you say it back?" annabeth questioned.

they both looked at me eagerly. i looked to the side.

"not... exactly..."

"what? why?" grover exclaimed, his face now looking more like he just found out that unicorns weren't real.

"i just... don't want to say it. what if it's all a mistake? what if it's not... real?"

"well what are some things that you like about him. how about that? list off things you really really really like about him." annabeth suggested, trying to rationalize the situation.

"i-i like the scar on his lip," i stutter, my cheeks turning pink. i wasn't used to showing my softer, romantic side to my friends. usually i'm dumb jokes, sarcastic comments, obvious questions percy. not lovey dovey percy. "t-the way he always smells clean and fresh. the way he smiles without realizing. i like his glasses when they're slightly crooked on his face. i like... his dick? his uhhhh personality?"

"what about his personality?" grover asks. this is getting personal.

i sigh. "the way he cares about others before anything. he's really cheesy and his this... way with words. he knows exactly how to make a person feel better without ever belittling them or anything. and... other stuff. you should hear him sometimes. i wonder what's going on in his head all the time. he doesn't mind me when i'm sad or pathetic. he doesn't make me feel small when i am either. he's just... so honest. there's no pretending anything with him. no pretending to be big or tough or mean. he's just... a big softie and that makes him so fucking strong-" i stopped abruptly.

annabeth raised an eyebrow. "that sounds like an awful lot to like about him."

"kinda sounds like you love him," grover comments innocently.

it was raining again, but not a measly drizzle. it was coming down hard. the sky was dark with clouds and the sound of rain was deafening. less people were milling about in the streets outside. you'd be insane to willingly go out in this weather.

there were always excuses for everything. my family wasn't poor, we just weren't comfortably rich. i didn't break the vase, it fell while i was holding it. my stepdad didn't abuse me, he was just an asshole. my boyfriend isn't toxic, he's just different. my dad didn't abandon me, he just was busy. i wasn't, like, in love with jason grace, i just liked him.

and if just tell myself something easier to swallow, maybe i could ignore real life. it's how i've survived all these years.

"really, i already knew. i knew i... loved... him. but it's just that... if i admit it... it'll be real." i confess. the word love sits heavy in my tongue. i didn't want to look at the two of them so i stared out the window. the rain continued to thunder down and i wondered if it would ever stop. "and if it becomes real, it'll be able to hurt me."

"love isn't love unless it has the potential to hurt. if you don't care about someone, they can't hurt you." grover says. i turn to glance at him, but he wasn't even looking at me. he was looking out the window at the dark and rainy street. "if you care about him more than you care about most other people, then it's real. it hurts if they leave you, but it hurts worse if you let them."