how to fall in love - jercy

21 - every wall

p.j.

"what's the issue here, fish cakes?" luke asked, rolling up the sleeves of his white tshirt. "are you mad that i said that waffles are better than pancakes?"

"don't call me that. and no."

"oh sorry. what's wrong babygirl?"

i rolled my eyes and sighed. "it's just that... annabeth says-"

he groaned in frustration. "annabeth, annabeth, annabeth. why's it always about her and what she says? who fucking cares?"

"i care because she's my friend and she cares about me, asshole." i retorted.

"and i don't? what does she even know about us?"

"what part of friend are you not getting? she knows me better than i know myself. can i finish?"

he rolled his eyes. "she's a bitch,"

"SHE SAYS THAT YOU'RE NO GOOD FOR ME!" i yell at him since he doesn't seem to be listening.

"this is what i fucking mean! she makes these stupid allegations because she's jealous-" he says.

"i'm not done. she says that our relationship is toxic. that you don't put in enough effort and that i need to speak up. so what are we gonna do about it?" i raise an eyebrow at him. he picks at his nails, uninterested. "luke?"

he rolls his eyes dramatically again. "nothing! we do nothing because her. opinion. doesn't. matter. we don't have to take shit from anyone, percy. get that into your thick skull. i think we're fine. you're fine. they just can't see us the way we do. they aren't like us. they don't matter. she doesn't matter. her opinion doesn't matter-"

i clenched my fists. "does mine matter?"

he stopped and peered at me. "...yes."

"then fucking listen to me. maybe she's right. maybe this isn't good for me." i said, my voice shaking with how frustrated i was getting. my throat is feeling tighter.

"what are you gonna do? break up with me?"

"m-maybe. if you don't get your your shit together. that's what everyone is telling me to do. maybe they're right."

"oh, so you're one of them, now?"

"i don't understand, luke, why do you think you're better than everyone else? who are 'they'?"

"they are everyone else. the fake bitches  going to our school. the dumb jocks who can't tell their ass from their heads. the authority who only abuse their power. the stupid skaters who think they're all that because they vape. annabeth, your stepdad, my dad, politicians, the rest of the goddamn world. they are the stupid, ignorant, shallow cockroaches that this damn planet is teeming with. they've never gone through what i ha- what we have! they don't know us, percy! they want to break us apart because they'll never understand us and they hate that they can't understand us." his voice got quiet. "they can all burn."

"just because you have issues does not fucking mean other's don't!"

"well, they don't have enough issues, obviously, because they're all stupid!"

"maybe you're just the stupid one, and they see right through you! you think that rules don't apply to you and you're soooo much mightier than everyone else because you've been hurt! you can't use the 'i've been hurt' excuse forever, luke, because the rest if the world sees right through you and you just don't like them because they do. you're not some misunderstood genius. you're just an asshole!" i shout, words flying out of my mouth. i don't even know where they're coming from. have they been boiling at the bottom of my throat all this time?

smack!

my face stings.

it takes a moment for me to register what had happened, but it feels like ages. i stare at him. his hand is still in the air. his eyes are cold and unforgiving.

i'm never going to be able to teach him empathy. he's not a bad boy that just needs a little thawing from me to become soft. i was stupid and naive to ever think so. this isn't some bad teen romance novel. he's a robot. all this time i've been crazy in love with this idea of a man with a hard, bitter exterior and a soft and loving interior that i just needed to chip away at him to get into. he's been petrified by medusa. he's stone all the way through.

"that's it, then. it's over. we're really breaking up," i say quietly, my voice shaking.

"aw, come on, fishcakes. you're overreacting." he teased, putting his hand on my waist. i've become repulsed by him and push him away. only a few days ago, i'd be all over him. now, i can't stand his touch.

hot, angry tears pour out of my eyes uncontrollably and my voice shakes. i hate it. i hate myself for crying. for being weak. i want to push him away and show him i'm fine without him and that he is nothing. he is stone. but i'm not. there's waterfalls falling from my eyes and i felt like someone was squeezing my nose and throat.

"f-f-fuck o-off-" i stutter.

"oh, you big baby. c'mere-" he says, smiling as if this is funny. is this funny to him? i hate him. i hate him. i hate him for smiling and i hate me for crying.

he's trying to hug me. to touch me. touch. him. touch. hurt. he's trying to hurt me.

"NO!" i scream with a force i didn't know existed in my lungs. with the force all the winds of the world, released from a bag. as if i had opened a bottle of pure hurricanes. my entire body was shaking with anger and hatred. he looked taken aback. "s-stay. away. from me."

and he did.

everyone did.

the walls and i made sure of it.

~

i traced my finger down jason's jaw and across his collarbones. he leaned his forehead in so it'd be touching mine. i finally find words in mind that was racing at 100 miles per hour. my voice is hardly even a broken whisper.

"i broke down every wall for you, jason grace."

"was i worth it?"

"are you kidding me? i'd take a wrecking ball to them fifty times a day for you."