Miss Atomic Bomb | a.i

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It had been a almost two weeks since I told Rae my actual feelings. I hated myself so much for it and I now felt utterly hopeless.

She wasn't talking to me. In fact, she was talking to Luke more now since I'm out of her life. Looking on the bright side of things was extremely hard as well, knowing that the only good thing that could possibly be coming out of this is Rae being happier.

In my eyes I thought as if I was a burden to her. Like I was just a tool to her, that she could just kiss me and act like she's being loved and then throw me away. I didn't blame her though, if I were like her, and I knew well that I could use somebody for fake compassion.

But it felt real. I knew somewhere inside of her she had true, meaningful feelings for me. Part of me thought that she just didn't have those feelings for me, but the hopeful side of me thought that maybe she actually did have feelings for me, and I was just taking things way to fast.

Thinking things through, it was nearly impossible to say I didn't love the girl, because I did. But letting the actual words fall out of my lips was not the best idea I had. I should have kept my thoughts to myself, locked up my heart and pushed it away until I felt she was comfortable enough to let me show my love.

God, I was such an idiot.

I was practically ripping my hair out as of right now, so frustrated at myself for the whole thing. Nobody could tell me it wasn't my fault to make me feel better because it truly was my fault.

I was lazily laying in my bed, my clothes scattered across the room, as I stare at the wall in nothing but my boxers. I liked going near to commando in my sleep. I'd even doing it lately because it reminded me of the time she laid in my arms and told me it was better to not wear my clothes. It was a pretty pathetic way to remind myself of her, but it was better then nothing.

It was Saturday, and I didn't feel like getting up at all. I just wanted to crawl into fetus position and wrap myself on a massive blanket and sob like a teenage girl.

I was so angry. Sad for the most of anything, but I had never felt the frustration build up inside of me all at once so hard. I wanted to punch something, slam my head against a wall. I wanted to cuss my heart out And flip over a table.

I was cut off by my depressing thoughts when I heard the sound of my mother's voice, calling me downstairs.

"Ashton! Dinner!" My appetite was growing less and all I could do was drink water and sulk. But mom still tried to convince me each day to eat. I wasn't on a hunger strike or trying to do it on purpose or anything, I just genuinely couldn't eat.

"Mom!" I groan, loud enough for her to hear me.

"You can't stay in your room forever, honey!" She replies back. I'd bet a million bucks I could stay in my room forever if I was allowed. I couldn't remember the last time I even sat up straight in the past couple of hours. Besides that, it was just simple stretching.

I had work in an hour, and that just built up even more stress onto the stack of anxiety bottled up inside of my chest. of the most part, I was just too lazy to try and get up and ready for work, but on the smaller part of my reasoning for not going, is that I didn't want to see anybody I knew. Last time I was at work, Rae, Michael and Harley came over to see me. I didn't know if they meant to or if they did it on purpose, but I still was worried.

The time before that, I saw Luke as well. He was with Rae and I couldn't bare to see that again. I had seen them at school together a couple of times together, especially at lunch, and I was only lucky because Luke hadn't tried to do anything or make any moves. If he did I probably would've stepped over to where he was and smacked.