Trapped in Ophelia's Body

I have issues

Song: Social Anxiety by Nicola Elias

I can feel them staring at me. I know they are there. I can hear them talking, whispering in hushed tones. What does it matter to them anyway? But they care, they all do, they mock me. They make fun of me for the way I look, the way I act, the way I can't talk when I'm around others because every time I try it all comes out wrong and I stutter tripping over every freaking word.

There is nothing that I can do about it, it's just the way I am. See I was officially diagnosed with social anxiety two years ago. I had an episode at school; that is what we will call it an episode. Why because it happens very often, especially when I am around lots of people. Anyway I freaked out in class, a major breakdown. It was like my body was there but I wasn't. It's hard to explain to others how you feel like you're just not there. My parents didn't get it. No one understood what was going on with me, not even my teachers or the peers at school. They all see me as that awkward girl now. I have episodes at unexpected times, sometimes I feel when it's going to happen and other times it comes without any warning like that day in class.

Anyway after that day I was forced to go to therapy, not that I haven't been before but this therapist was different. She has been teaching me for the past two years now how to deal when I am in those social situations; she tries to help anyway. I don't want to let her know that I panic practically every day. Anna, my therapist she keeps saying that I will be fine; easy for her to say she doesn't have the issues that I have. She also thinks that I have always had anxiety and partly it is due to my other condition.

Other condition, see the thing is I was that awkward kid that no one understood and when I was around three, my parents found out that no matter what they did they could not fix me. So I was sent to a specialist, doctors did all kinds of test. At first they thought that I was Autistic but the test stated otherwise and I ended up with a sensory processing disorder. They say this is why I can't tolerate certain textures.

Like socks with the seams, it feels like it cuts into me every time I take a step. I would rather just go without but then my skin makes contact with other textures and I just feel like I'm being stuck a million times with little needles. One of the reasons by parents opt out for all hardwood floors, carpet is too painful to deal with. My Occupational therapist tried to get me to walk barefoot on different surfaces like grass, concrete, wood, you name it. I can't remember most of those years but my parents talk about it every now and then.

It's not just touching with my skin, eating is just as bad. I don't know why but certain foods just make me gag like oatmeal, applesauce or anything gritty like that or like fruit in yogurt. What the hell just make it smooth no one wants chucks in it, ok maybe it's just me. I would rather eat crunchy things like crackers, fruits and veggies as long as it's crunchy. And watching others eat those things also makes me gag. When I was younger just seeing it or sometimes it was even the smell it just made me puke but after all these years of therapy, I have learned to deal with it around me. Eating it however is still an issue at times.

I wish that I could just be homeschooled but that will never happen and like today we are supposed to give a stupid speech in front of the class in English but as I sit here I count the freaking square tiles on the ceiling...one...two...three...there are exactly fifty-four squares in one row. I start counting the other direction and there are...crap I got to start over. I have counted over and over and the reason I keep messing up today is because I keep thinking of everyone looking at me. I hear them talk about the way I look, the way my hair is messy today, the clothes I have on all the way down to the shoes I'm wearing. I can feel my heart racing and I start to feel sweaty. I have to think if I wore deodorant today and I know I put it on but my mind tries to play tricks on me. I wish time ran out then I wouldn't have to get up and make a speech but then I will worry all night. Worry so much that I won't even eat at all or sleep for that matter.

And then everyone will worry why I look so thin or why I look like I haven't had sleep in days. My parents worry more than anyone but I guess that is what parents do. I try to avoid the mirror as much as possible because what I see is different from what everyone else sees. I feel like I'm trapped in this body dying to get out.

I hear my name being called,  "Ophelia...you're up?"

I stand up with wobbly legs. I walk to the front of the class, trying to remember how to put one foot in front on the other. I feel my body going numb on the way to the front along with my heart beating a hundred miles per second. I feel myself starting to panic and I try tapping my fingers together, one of my calming tricks but I don't think its working.

I turn to see all eyes on me, haunting eyes. "I...I...I" I begin. Yes I stutter when I'm put on the spot. There is nothing that I can do about it, nothing. Everyone in here has been with me since like Kindergarten and they all know me and they know this is just the way it is and I should be alright being around them but I'm not. I continue my speech and stutter all the way through. I pick up on my speed and I start talking really fast and I know no one understands a damn word I said but I don't care I just want to get out of this room. By the time I sit back down my face is super red and I have that feeling like I'm about to pass out, but I don't thank goodness. Instead I let out all the air from my lungs.

When class is over, I hurry out the door of course I'm looking down at the floor because making eye contact with others would throw me over the edge. And just like that someone bumps into me and every book and loose papers go flying all over the place. You got to be kidding me; people should watch out where they are going.

Whoever did it keeps on walking like it was no big deal. I'm used to be ignored or made fun of. I bend down and try to pick everything up before something gets torn or messed up. I have to have all my papers and books in perfect condition. I can't stand bent up papers, folded with creases just makes me lose it.

A hand grabs one of my books and I don't dare look up to see who it is. I reach out to take it and barely get out,  "thank you."

"You're welcome," he says with a cool raspy voice. He hands me another book but this time when I go to grab it he holds on tight forcing me to stop to look up at him.

Which by the way was the biggest mistake I made because honey golden brown eyes stare at me. I'm lost for words. Matter of fact I think I may have just frozen up all together.

"Hi...I'm Kodiak...I'm kinda of new here...but I've seen you a few times...Ophelia right?"

"Yeeeeesss and...and...thank you...again." I tug on the book and he lets go. I don't bother sticking around to talk instead I jump up and hurry the hell out of there.

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Author's Note: Hope everyone reading...enjoyed the first chapter. If you like it please vote...if you love it share it...I will try to post a few times during the week. Would love to hear comments and if you have any song suggestions that would be awesome-