Trapped in Ophelia's Body

I don't know if I can do this

Song: Being Around you By Asher Angel

His family happens to own quite a bit of land, well a lot more than we do. We have like a two acre lot that our house is on, they have like five. Anyway behind their house are lots of trees and there is this path that leads to somewhere in the forest. Ok so it's not really a forest but you get what I mean, lots of trees. Anyway we are walking hand in hand and he stops to show me that we have to cross over fallen down tree to get to the other side. It's only like a ditch and we could actually walk down and then back up but we don't.

"You have to cross this way...it's the only way." He grins. He helps me cross over and then just a little farther down there is a make shift fort built along the trees. Anyone can see that it is there but it's supposed to be a secret. "I built this for my brother. We come here on some days when he is having a hard time. It's like his getaway place."

"Oh how sweet...so you did all of this?" I gesture to the fort. It's all made from sticks, all nailed into place within the trees. I actually think it looks pretty awesome. I can't  believe  he actually  built this.

"Yeah...it took a little while but this is it...come inside and see." He opens the door for me and I go in. There is very little light coming in but I can still see him. There is a place to sit and a few books are in a pile. There is a blanket and a few toys off to the side in a box.

I look around and smile at him. "This is so cool."

"So you like it?" He says with a smile.

"Why would I not...I mean you could use some decorating tips." I laugh and watch his eyes dart towards the floor.  "No seriously...I love it the way it is. Must be nice having a big brother to do all of this." I could only imagine  what it must be like.

"I just want him to have a place to go when it gets rough you know. We found out that he was Autistic a few years ago. I tried doing all the research about it...believe me there is so much and even though there is a lot doesn't mean that there is still a lot of other stuff that no one knows about. Anyway, I can bring him here and he pretends to be someone else."

"Someone else...like who?"

"Here he is the king..." He looks into the box of toys and pulls out the crown. "See...he wears this and this is his castle...his kingdom."

I think back about me being in Kodiak's room and suddenly I feel that I should not be here without Kia's permission. "I...I...should...shouldn't be here."

He reaches for my hand. "Why not?"

"Kia didn't like me in your room...I'm a girl...so I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want me in here...in his castle."

"Kia is not here and I think he will be alright." His hand tightens in mine.

"But if he comes and sees me he will hate me. This is his place...your place...not mine."

"But I wanted to show you...it's a cool place just to get away...to be alone."

"But you are not alone..."

"I know." He leans against the wall and watches me looking out the door. "I like having you here." I feel his other hand starting to play with my hair.

"Kodiak...this place is really awesome...but maybe we should be getting back."

"And go back to my house...with all of them....getting in my space. I like it here. I come very often just to get away from all of them. Sometimes that house just gets too crowded."

"At least you have siblings...I mean you could be the only child and then be like so bored with nothing to do and..."

"Can I kiss you?" He changes the subject  very quickly. 

"Wait...what?" He had caught me off guard...kiss me. He just didn't ask to kiss me.

"You heard me...can I kiss you?" he asks again just to make sure that I heard him.

I lean back against the opposite wall and stare at him. His honey golden eyes sparkle in the dim room, staring back at me. I gasp when he walks over closer to me and he is so close to me that I can feel his breath on me. I just might stop breathing and he may have to kiss me to bring me back to life. Either way I assume he is going to have to kiss me.

His hand reaches up and cups my cheek and he moves a strand of my hair out of my face, little goose bumps form along the surface on my skin. He takes both hands and cups my face and he is so close to me I think I just might pass the frig out. He whispers this time,  "Can I kiss you?"

I nod my head yes and within seconds his lips are on mine and I'm sinking...sinking to an unknown place. His lips are so soft against mine and he is so gentle. My heart skips a beat...not just once but several times. When he pulls back he stares into my eyes and smiles. "I'm falling in love with you Ophelia."

"Kodiak...I really..."

But he doesn't give me time to respond because he is kissing me again like he just can't get enough. His hands trail around my back and he is holding on to me and then his hands are in my hair and I don't know if my skin can handle all of this. My heart wants more because having him like this makes me melt all inside but my mind and body is screaming 'please stop...don't touch me.' I break free from his lips and hold my hands between us. "Slow down." Is all I can get out and he stops in his tracks pulling the rest of himself away from me.

"I'm sorry...I just want to be with you so bad. I feel like I just need to have you so close to me."

"I'm right here. We don't have to rush this."

He starts to back away from me, so far that he is now leaning back against the wall. I watch as he looks down at the dirt floor by his feet. "You're right...what was I thinking?" he lowers his voice while shaking his head.

I take the few steps towards him and grab his hand. "Kodiak...look at me." My hands tremble inside of his hand. "I have never been this close to anyone...I'm just scared. I'm afraid that it's going to be too much and I might panic. I don't want to scare you away."

"You couldn't scare me away no matter how hard you try," He looks up at me and a slight smile forms along his face. "I don't want to hurt you. We can wait as long as you need to."

"How many girls have you brought here?" I have to ask not that it really matters but I want to know. I wonder how many other girls he has kissed.

He laughs as if that was a joke. "You are the only girl that has ever been here...matter of fact the only girl I have ever introduced to my family."

I try to smile back at him. Should this make any difference? No...so I am the only girl that he has asked over. I'm the only girl that has come to this fort that he built with his own two hands because he is like the most amazing brother ever. Should I just push everything I have ever known off to the side just so that we can be together...like together? I don't want him to think that I can't handle this. I can...I can be normal...with him. I can or maybe I can't because I have no control over my body. I can't help that it tries to reject everything even those things I so desperately want to try. Oh...who am I kidding here.

"Hey...we don't have to do anything...I mean that is not why I brought you here. I just wanted you to see how cool this place is and honestly I don't know what I was..." he stops himself as if he is trying to think of the right thing to say.

I feel like he is going to go on and on so I do the only thing to shut him up...I kiss him. And I let him kiss me back. This time I wrap my arms around him and I pull him into me, letting him consume me. I pull back and whisper,  "Maybe we can go slow and I just tell you when to stop."

"Are you sure about that?"

I nod and let him kiss me again.