Trapped in Ophelia's Body

Boys like you

Song: Boys like you by Anna Clendening

I watch him while he sings while trying to smile at me. My heart starts racing and I feel all giddy inside. A felling that I'm really not use to. I watch him put his guitar down and there is a slight frown that comes but then goes just as quick when he looks back up at me with those honey golden eyes of his. He looks heartbroken and I know he feels super bad about everything that has happened.

I hear the guilt in his voice as he starts to say, "I'm sorry..." but I say it at the same time. "I...I...I'm s...sorry."

"It was my fault...I never should have done it."

"No...it's not. It's...it's...my....fault. I'mmmm, I'm sorry I have this th...thing." My cheeks fill with heat as they turn a few shades of pink because how more embarrassing can I get as I stutter over my own words.

He holds his hand up in surrender. "You don't have to explain. I was being a jerk. I should have been listening and I wasn't. I have been talking to some of my friends and they all filled me in. I should have been more respectful of your wishes. I never should have tried to do it."

"Filled...you in....on...on...what?" That is all I got out of what he was saying. His friends talking about me...they don't even freaking know me so why are they talking about me? My heart practically stops in my chest as panic fills my body. My hands even start to tremble and I just know I'm on the verge of a panic attack.

"It's just I haven't been here long enough to actually know you and they all grew up with you. Don't worry it was all good stuff...but I wish you would have told me."

I drop my head and cast my eyes downward trying to avoid looking into his eyes. "Wait...what?"  I day a little confused. I don't go around telling people about my issues and the last time I recall was like in first grade my mother had came to my class to talk with them about sensory and how things like noises and different textures and smells may bother me. The teachers ruled out all chemical smells and even gave me permission to eat at a separate table on certain days. I guess over the years everyone just knew and never really talked about it. Then in middle school some of the boys thought it would be funny to watch me puke until the teachers found out what was really going on.

Then my freshman year I had a panic attack so bad that by the end of the day everyone was talking about the crazy girl that flipped out. No one really talks about it but maybe they do. I  mean I can hear them talking about me saying things behind my back, watching me with those curious eyes waiting on me to lose myself again. Who am I kidding here, they all know me of course they are going to talk about me.

I feel him step one step closer towards me. "I'm ok with it...I told you about my bother...I get it."

I get a little defensive, "Get what?" First of all, I am nothing like his little brother if that is what he is saying.

"Seriously...I watch you Ophelia; you don't like crowds, loud noises, people looking at you..." he stops for a moment and sighs. "The clay...I assume you don't like different textures. You were trying so hard to get it off of you when it was already off."

I slowlylook up at him. Shaking my head no. "Kodiak...you just don't understand."

"Then tell me, I'm listening." He takes another step closer and I take one step backwards.

No one has ever asked me to explain it to them...well my therapist have but this is a boy and not just a boy but a boy that actually likes me. He doesn't even know me. Why does he act like he cares?

"It's...it's...ha...hard to explain," this time my voice cracks a little as I continue to stutter.

"I have all afternoon." He throws his hands up and has this huge smile on his face. Of course he does, that's why he is here instead of in the gym with the rest of the school.

I close my eyes trying to think about how do I explain it someone that knows nothing about it. "Certain things just...just bother me like...like...being around people." I gesture towards him.

"So guess that's why you're in here and not at the pep rally."

I nod my head slowly.

"I know you don't believe me but I do get it...well most of it."

"It's...it's not not just that...I...I...I."

"Slow down. Take a breath."

I roll my eyes at him. "I also ha...have anxiety. That's why I zone out. I try to block everything out around me." I take each hand and hold them out in front of me and they are shaking uncontrollably. I start tapping each finger one at a time against my thumb then back, going index finger to the next all the way to the pinky and back. I ffg o it a few times until t bgg ey don't shake as badly.  "This is one of the calming techniques my therapist taught me." I roll my eyes again. " I been going to therapy as long as I can remember. "

"I know about that too," he says. "People talk a lot around here."

People are talking about me. I feel like I'm going to have a freaking attack. I feel my heart speeding up, pounding in my chest. I don't realize my hands are trembling again until he takes them in his hands. I flinch at first because I normally don't let another touch them that way but he holds his grip and I let him hold them till they calm again.

"Hey, stop. Look at me...it's just you and me no one even knows we are here."

I know he is trying to make it seem all better but it only makes it worse. "I..I..." I stand up and attempt to walk out the door but this time he is walking right behind me. He follows me all the way out to my car.

"Ophelia please stop," he calls out.

"I...I..."

"Stop. Just stop. How about you throw your stuff in your car and come with me instead."

I look up at him; why in the hell would I do that, "Why?" 8 just don't go off with anyone, that is not how this works.

"Because I want you too...come with me." The way he says it, it is like he really doesn't mean any harm and he sounds so sincere.

I throw my stuff in the back seat and lock the doors. I can't believe I'm listening to him. I follow him to his car and wait. "Where is your car?" I stare at a motorcycle behind him.

He gestures to his bike. "This is my ride." He hands me a helmet. "Come on."

There is no way in hell that I am getting on that thing. "I can't ride on th...that."

This time he rolls his eyes. "Why not?"

"I ne...ne...never." Just thinking about it makes me nervous. I just know something bad will happen.

"You have never been on one before. This is going to be so much fun." He jumps on like it is nothing and grins. "Come on get on." He pats the seat behind him.

I debate the whole idea as I stare back at him, slowlyshakingmy head no. I mean what if he wrecks? What if I fall off? What if my parents find out and I'm grounded for life?

And it's like he knows what I am thinking because he's like, "Hey...get on and stop thinking about it."

I bite my lip nervously, and then put the helmet on. I take a deep breath as I step closer to him. He turns to adjust the helmet and makes sure that it is fastened correctly and then he holds his hand out for me as I climb on.

"Hold on to my waist." He yells as he cranks it up and the vibrations run throughout my body to every single nerve. I have no choice but to hold on to him. He takes off and the wind blows against my clothes, against my skin and...and...and...it's amazing.