all i want // max and harvey mills

T W E N T Y : O N E

[ harveys pov ]
the next morning

i've messed up. i've messed up immensely.

a lot of times, people are told to either stay away from me, or to not expect a strong relationship out of me, and i finally understand exactly why.

it's funny, really. no it's not. you'd think max would be the bad boy, but he can't even hurt me emotionally—or physically for that matter. i guess since people thought there must be one twin that's  a rule breaker, i put it upon myself to live up to their expectations, which was a stupid mistake.

kathryn won't be able to bear me. she won't be able to look at me or talk to me..or even live with me anymore. but she'll have to. and i guess our relationship is over—why wouldn't it be? she caught me cheating after-all. and it's not like she cheated. oh, but she did harvey. i don't know what i'm going to do with myself at this point.

harming others is very dumb, but to me, its like a self-defense mechanism. i don't want to get hurt, so i do it to others just to make sure i'm the one who's safe and unaffected, which i've just noticed does nothing to help me.

even when i hurt others, i get hurt because i care, and i shatter instead of the person i'm harming. how stupid of me.

•••

i was shaken up when my bedroom door flew open, revealing a seemingly infuriated max.

"harvey wha—" max started to yell at me before i cut him off.

"please don't beat me up," my voice boomed on top of his, disintegrating his words into the air. i knew he couldn't—and wouldn't beat me up—but i wasn't so sure that he was the same max as usual.

"give me one reason not to kill you." max replied, slamming the door behind him and inching closer.
"i—i don't have one okay? i'm despicable," i said, meaning every word.

"you literally just gave me more of a reason to kill you," max said, shaking his head and looking at me with such a serious expression it was scary.

"if you kill me, mom'll kill you,"i said quickly, making max stop moving towards me. he sighed in annoyance. "what have you done harvey?" he asked, getting to the point of this most joyous visit to my room.

i sat in silence for a few moments, trying to gather up a good reason in my mind for what i'd done. the problem was that i, in all honesty, didn't have a good explanation.

"well?" max stated, filling the air with noise. i just sat there, not knowing what to do or how to explain myself.

"harvey. since you do stupid things even when you have no reason on earth to, i'll give you some advice," max said, looking at me coldly. i sucked in my breath and nodded.

"start thinking before you do things because it seems like you never think about anything anymore. you used to be a great person and friend to be around, and when you changed, that's when everyone left. you did all of this to yourself." max said, finally breaking the ice through our relationship.

by ice, i mean the one thing we've never talked about before: our old friends. one day we had tons of great friends, but then they slowly faded away because of me. i did all of this. i didn't hurt only myself, i'd hurt every single person i'd ever known to be a decent friend.

i sat there in silence for a second. "i mean, with the way you do things, it's no wonder kathryn didn't care that we kissed. i mean, she didn't oppose it, she just said that she didn't wanna hurt you. but then you went and hurt her, and—" max kept going before i cut him off.

"you what?" i asked, staring at him.

max looked down at me with a blank expression on his face. "huh?" he asked. "you said that kathryn and you kissed." i replied, in confusion.

"i-i did?" max asked, gulping.

i nodded and shot up out of my seat, pinning max back against the wall. "you-you called me the bad guy..and then you kissed my girlfriend—and you're my twin of all people," i said to him, infuriated.

"it was one mistake harvey. it didn't mean anything to kathryn." he replied, trying to explain.

"but it meant something to you," i said coldly. he stared at me for a few moments then looked down. "i'm sorry harvey," he said.

i let him go and backed away from him.

"just get out." i said, shaking my head.

"harv—" he started to call my name. "get out max," i said, not looking at him. i caught a glimpse of him nodded and leaving. i stood in silence, staring at a picture of kathryn and i on my phone for a while, wondering how everything got so messed up.