Old Yellow Pages ✓

3. solitary or lonely?

16th october, tuesday, 2018

dear diary,

I just finished reading the sky is everywhere by jandy nelson. I loved it, it's such a great book. I'm reading a lot these days, since I have nothing else to be engaged in. I have my favorite spot in the back corner of the classroom, next to the windows, through which sunlight pours in all day long. I would freeze to death without that. Moreover, I can hide food under the desk and eat between classes without being noticed. The teacher cares only about her pets who sit in the front seats.

The sound of the boys laughing together doesn't distract me. I wonder what they laugh about. What could be happening in their lives to make them so happy?

I used to be like that in class 10, I remember. I was so happy. Everything was going good. I scored well in tests. I cracked jokes during class and everyone laughed. I participated in as many competitions as I could. I used to take singing lessons. I had friends. Occasionally, when things got monotonous, I would pull pranks on teachers.

On my birthday, when all of my classmates made a birthday card for me, many wrote, "some of my best school memories are because of you." It's hard to believe that was actually me. Things have changed so much. I miss those days.

The only thing that hasn't changed is that I still sit by the window to bask in the sunlight. But this time, I'm not surrounded by warm and loving friends. I sit alone.

Those friends have now fully immersed themselves in textbooks, with a clear career-wise destination in mind, and here I am, still wandering like a tourist in the maze of professions, unable to decide where to make my home.

I was running a race, and I was way ahead of everyone, and occasionally I would look back and motivate them to run faster. Now they've raced ahead of me, all of them. From where I am, I can see them running away, getting smaller and smaller as the distance between them and me increases. I am left behind.

And not a single one of them is pausing to even look back at me.

It's not that I'm a freak that no one wants to talk to. It's just that I keep away from people now. By choice. I'm solitary, not lonely.

Or so I tell myself.

Don't I want friends? Don't I sometimes look at the group of boys and wish they would tell me what they talk about?

The thing is, I want friends, I do. But I also want to genuinely like them. That's the only way I'll be able to give them my 100%. If I can't do that, why be friends with them at all? I don't want an empty relationship. And I don't really find anyone interesting in this class. There's no one I want to be friends with, in this class. So am I solitary, or am I lonely?

I searched on the net and found this:

"The lonely man finds himself surrounded by others with whom he cannot establish contact or to whose hostility he is exposed." — Hannah Arendt

Loneliness

1. Loneliness is a negative state.
2. We feel alone, excluded,  unwanted, unimportant or unnoticed, and cut off and estranged from other people.
3. We can be surrounded by people we know and love and still experience feelings of intense loneliness.
4. Loneliness feels like punishment or rejection. It is rooted in a sense of deficiency or inadequacy.
5. It depletes us and is imposed on us.
6. It can lead to self-rejection, self-loathing and despair.

Solitude

1. Solitude is a positive state.
2. It is where we are perfectly happy to be by ourselves, and relish our own company.
3. Solitude can help us get in touch with our true selves. It allows us to reflect on ourselves, others, our life, and our future.
4. Often, solitude leads to greater self-awareness and creativity, fresh insights, and growth.
5. Solitude is something we choose. It is something that restores and builds us up.
6. Solitude grounds us in who we are — and that enables us to reach out and give to others.

I am even more confused now. I wish to be with people, but I don't like these people, I feel estranged from them, but I am using this time to explore myself, and I am reflecting on things, and I am happy to do so.

So what am I, solitary or lonely?

❄