18th february, monday, 2019
dear diary,
Today dad said that if there was anything I could do for him, it was to be happy in life. He doesn't need any money from me. I asked why. He said I sulk a lot, and I don't apologize easily. If there were to be a fight, I won't talk to him for days, and gradually the distance between us will grow until I cut him off completely. So he knows I won't give anything back to him.
I'm feeling extremely stupid right now. That's exactly how my brain works. But hearing someone else say it made me realize how much of an idiot I am.
Even though, in theory, I know that we should forgive quickly, it's hard to practice that. I'm trying.
I can be crazy sometimes. I can go off alone, drown myself in ego, avoid taking help from people because of my 'pride', but in reality, I'm not resourceful enough to manage life on my own, and I know that. I make excuses. I procrastinate. I laze around. I hate myself. I have suicidal thoughts. I have a dark side, which I'm learning to embrace.
Spirituality has brought me out of it somewhat, but it's hard to practice.
I'm not sure about living alone anymore. Maybe the structure of families is the way it is because of a reason. What will happen when I grow old? Won't I need young people to take care of me? Won't I need a husband to share jokes with? It's a cycle: parents look after kids when the kids can't support themselves, and these kids grow up and look after their old parents when they can't support themselves. There is harmony in this system, and I guess this is how it should be. All my youthful craze for things such as beanbags will fade away, like it has for rock music. I like the peaceful Indian classical music now.
Maybe decisions should not be based on the desires and immaturity of youth and on what is trendy. There is some logic to traditions. I can't custom-design my life and expect it to be perfect.
I think it's time to finally get out of this sulking mode, stop trash-talking myself, and drive my ship instead of letting it be steered by my co-passengers. How dare I say that I don't know if I will reclaim my old self? I WILL, and that's it.
So many opportunities have been presented to me, and I haven't been ready to take them.
But this time, I will be.
❄
YOU ARE READING
Old Yellow Pages ✓
Roman pour AdolescentsA girl with a diary of pages yellowed with age, in search of herself, sitting in the oddest of places: sometimes on a staircase, sometimes at the top of a slide, sometimes on the branch of a tree; writing about life, the way she sees it. 🏆 Winner b...
