Old Yellow Pages ✓

22. kush

20th december, thursday, 2018

dear diary,

I like to divide my life in two phases. Before and after I met Kush. Before I met him, I was aggressive. I had no direction, behaved impulsively, thoughtlessly, rudely, condescendingly with people whom I believed were less intelligent than I was. I behaved how I saw my 'intelligent, know-it-all' father behave with my mom and us: easily irritated by our stupidity, getting abusive when angry, always taking the aggressive route, having an attitude of 'let me set this person
right', and I thought these things somehow made me superior to others. 

Dad always wanted a mic-drop moment. We would sit and have discussions at the dining table, and he would make a statement, give a satisfied smile, and get up and leave the table. I'm sure he imagined us sitting in wonder, awed by the profound line he'd just said. In reality, it did nothing more than annoy me.

My brother, when little, often tried to copy dad's behaviour. Whenever we fought, he would grit his teeth, lock the door, and start hitting me, like dad often did when we indulged in a wrong act and required a beating.

At that time, I wasn't forgiving at all. I was bitchy. I loved my friends but when we fought, I made their life hell. I turned everyone against that person. I tried to prove that I was superior to them by intimidating them.

And then Kush came.

He smiled when he talked to me, something boys don't usually do. He wasn't worried about appearing cool or being a jerk. He paid attention to what I said. He was gentle and forgiving, and the aura of happiness that always surrounded him pulled me.

We started hanging out. I bunked classes to spend time with him. Many teachers objected to me, a 14-year-old talking to him, a senior, because apparently, "seniors teach us the wrong stuff." But he never did anything inappropriate to me.

I remember, while playing some game, one of my friends had asked me what my type was. I'd made a list, and it had five qualities:

➤ should read books
➤ should have a beautiful smile
➤ should be confident
➤ should be polite to girls
➤ funny

He had only 2 qualities. Then it became 3 because I fell in love with his smile. That was when I realized that love didn't have a type. Maybe such a list could help me decide how compatible a person would be with me, because I'm sure I'll enjoy someone's company more if I can discuss books with him, but falling in love is not in our hands. Maybe that is why they say that love is a decision. Falling is the easy part, but making it work depends on so many things. He has a place in my heart even today, but deep down I know we aren't like-minded. It probably won't work out. Maybe that is why when Mikki asked me if I would date him, I refused: Kush and I had nothing to talk about, and I knew this.

Subconsciously, though, I started picking up traits from him. His charm, his diplomacy, his attitude. I saw how politely he responded to rude comments on his Facebook posts, something that I never could have thought of. I would have used that opportunity to rub an even greater insult into that person's face to show him what happened to those who messed with me. I became more forgiving. 

Once, while we were leaning on the rail and looking out at the football field, just the two of us in the entire corridor while classes were going on inside rooms,  I asked him how many girlfriends he had had, and his reply was, "Are girlfriends something you should be counting?" That touched me. He valued relationships, instead of using them to boast how many girls liked him. I knew that if I dated him, one day I won't become just a number.

He wasn't a playboy, like I'd thought initially just because he drank and did drugs and wasn't a virgin. That was also when I realized that not all boys who do these things are bad at heart. There's much more to them.

Without the slightest hint of showing-off, he told me he'd dated so many girls that he couldn't even count them now. Sometimes they had blackmailed him, saying they'd cut themselves or do drugs if he didn't date them (that is something I genuinely don't understand. Why would people do that? Why would people want someone to date them out of pity rather than love?). But then I noticed that never once did he say anything bitchy about any girl. And that was how I learnt the art of letting go.

The correct way to let go is to make peace with the situation and the person, and then to not allow a single negative thought to enter your mind.

I wanted to be like him. I wanted to be as mature. I wanted to make others as happy as he made me. 

So I adopted his attitude: I created happiness wherever I went. I started forgiving. I started caring about others' feelings. My perspective changed, my heart opened.

I want people to experience this change that I had, because it can be magical. I want to leave people better than how I find them.

I want to be a source of infinite love. I want to have deep, kind eyes that invite people to share their problems with me so that I can heal them. I want to make people happy. I want to remove the problems that plague our mankind.

I don't believe in "Don't cross a puddle for people who won't cross an ocean for you."

I believe in, "Do it. Cross puddles and oceans, climb mountains for everyone. Life and love aren't about what you gain, but about what you give."

And I'll always be thankful to him for this. Someday, I hope I can change someone's perspective about life too, and make them see the beauty of everything.

❄