Old Yellow Pages ✓

11. future

10th november, saturday, 2018

dear diary,

The more I spend time with myself, away from the influence of others, the more I think that yes, I will do something good in life. It's like all the other distractions (like social media) had drowned out the voice of my mind, but now that I have somehow quietened them, my heart can speak to me freely.

I haven't talked to dad for the past 2 days, and I'm feeling good about it. The change in me when I am away from him is immediately noticeable. Without being told that I will never do something in life just because I'm failing (at what I hate and deem useless), I can think about myself and what I'm good at, and encourage myself. It's like meditation. I should do this more often: reduce the input to increase the output. How will I achieve something if I spend time on instagram everyday, looking at the meaningless photos that people post? It will distract me and make me wish I had friends too. No, I don't need that. Moreover, the gossip that people indulge in, tends to occupy my brain for days altogether. Sometimes it can lead to something productive: I might think about people a lot and come up with ideas for stories. But mostly, it ties me down to meaningless, worldly things.

Sure, seeing other people's paintings and song covers on the net might inspire me to do something. But to actually do something, I need to shut down everything else and find my originality, because only unique, authentic and original things can succeed. I might watch a painting tutorial on YouTube, make that painting, post it and get nice comments, but when I think over a concept and decide to paint it and convey an emotion, that is when I will achieve something truly.

Anyway, in one of my periods of isolation and contemplation, I thought of something.

I am going to be successful in life. I will earn well. I have decided to put my money to good use. Now, I don't think I'll ever have kids because bringing up a child requires an amount of dedication which I'm not willing to spend, and that too on one person. I cringe at the thought of spending all of my time, money and effort to bring up a baby, to buy toys which he will later throw away, to clean up after him if he spoils his pants, to pay for his schooling. Nope. What's the point? Of what use is that? There are already too many people in this cruel world; I'm not going to bring another one into it, just to make him suffer. And I don't want to tear my body apart by giving birth. 

Moreover, think of what all I can do with that money instead: I can make better the lives of already existing kids. I am a very talented, intelligent person (and no, I don't think it's arrogant for me to think of myself this way. What is wrong with a bit of self-confidence and believing in yourself?) and to devote it all to motherhood, to spend it all on one or two kids, would be a waste of my capabilities. 

Here's what I'm gonna do instead: 

I'll adopt kids. I'll adopt kids who have already found their ikigai and simply need a little financial or emotional push to get there. Kids who have dreams and the method to fulfill them, but not the means or money. I will help them. I will keep them in my house, and give them everything, and watch them grow up into somebodies. Or maybe I will rescue abused and mistreated children and bring them to my house and give them love. 

It will make them so happy. And imagine what this will do to me: 

Imagine living in a house with 5-6 teenagers, all motivated to do something in life, inspiring me everyday. These kinds of things give me a lot of happiness. And I will also keep teaching them how to cook, and good values, and other stuff, and I will groom them well and teach them to be more loving and thoughtful.

I once read a tumblr post: if I were a millionaire, I would donate money randomly to people who need it the most, and never ask for it back or charge any interest. Like, if someone needs money for a loved one's operation, or if someone wants to go to their dream college.

And someone had left a comment on that post: you're the kind of person who deserves to be a millionaire.

Now that's who I wanna be.

  ❄