Old Yellow Pages ✓

35. crossroads

8th february, friday, 2019

dear diary,

Two roads diverged in a wood and I took the one less travelled by and that has made all the difference.

I am standing at a point where I finally have the power to make my own decisions. Surprisingly I am feeling unsure of myself. I know I want to study psychology because whatever little I have read till now seems interesting to me. But I have never studied it properly like it should be studied in a classroom. What if I go to college and don't enjoy the course? What will I do then? What if I later realize that it was a useless effort and I feel like I've lost the formative years of my life? What if I love the subject but later realize that my personality isn't suitable for the career of a therapist? I always wanted to be different, bold, unconventional, unpredictable, unprecedented. I know that most of my classmates are like sheep in a herd. They chose the subjects that are opted for by those students who don't know what to do with their lives, and they will continue to study this because they don't know what else to do.

I don't know if I am in a better position than they are, because the only thing that I know is that this is not my thing and it cannot fulfill me.

I am sorry if I sound repetitive but what I have learnt from life is that if you are genuinely interested in something, then you think about it a lot; it keeps running round and round in your head and you give birth to new ideas. You connect different things in your brain, reach new conclusions, produce more and eventually gain success. This is how following your heart and intuition works. This is how I wrote Nightfall and why I have always been able to do things if I put my mind to it. I don't know what this is. Maybe this is how the Law of Attraction and The Secret at work.

So I am not sure where this will lead to. My heart doesn't really speak to me as loudly as it used to and I don't even see 11:11 anymore, the way I did when I started my own page on Instagram to put out my singing into the world. It shouldn't be this way but I feel as if I am groping in the dark. Feeling my way through the darkness, guided by a beating heart. I don't know where the journey will end but I know from where to start.

❄