Old Yellow Pages ✓

28. closure

2nd january, wednesday, 2019

dear diary,

Somewhere towards the end of class 7, Chetna made this really weird decision of distancing herself from all of us: me, Gulli, Shona and Vedha. Every Wednesday, we were allowed to sit with our friends in class (instead of with our assigned seat partners), and she started sitting away from us. I don't know what got into her suddenly. She told us she wanted to focus on her studies and not get involved in our silly fights, and she wasn't gonna go to any parties, and she wasn't going to celebrate her birthday either. This struck me as unreasonable. We were literally 13 years old. We didn't need to study that much. Plus, all was going well already. She was one of the toppers of the class. I didn't see what was making her say that. I decided to let it be, though.

I sat with her on the first Wednesday after this. It made her incredibly happy for some reason. Maybe she thought I had 'picked' her or something, when actually I wasn't even aware that there was a need to do that. I thought we all could co-exist in the situation. And if not, she would come to her senses soon. And so instead of trying to change her mind, I went along with it like a good best-friend. It was just a matter of time. Till then, I was going to alternate between her and my Group.

The problem started when she wanted me to do the same thing.

"You're much better than they are," she told me. "They don't want to study, they just like to dress up and waste their time and it doesn't matter because they're from rich families. But you have brains and you should make use of that."

I already had my parents and teachers telling me the same damn thing. Which was why I didn't like being around them. I simply couldn't have the same shit coming from my best friend.

I don't remember clearly. I guess I got pissed and I just didn't have the energy to discuss it with her because a debate would've ensued, and I wasn't willing to let that happen because debates are done on what is wrong and right, not on how a person is supposed to feel. She couldn't tell me what to do. So I started sitting with the Group again. And it was such a relief from all the scolding and her pep-talks that for some time I forgot something was wrong between me and Chetna and I just kept sitting there for 3 more Wednesdays. It felt good. I was having fun.

She was a pretty possessive person though. It bothered her that I was away from her. I would invite her to sit with the Group, but she would refuse. Why the hell was she dragging me into her mess? Why did I have to pick? And why was she expecting me to pick her? Because I was her best friend?

There was also the fact that she didn't really talk to anyone else that much. When you build up everything around one person and that person leaves you, you stagger. All of a sudden you don't know what to do. Which is why, I think, you should never put all your soul into just one thing. I guess that is why I like variety so much.

Anyway.

I once called her to request a printout of something and she started crying and saying that I only called her to get something done and that I didn't care about her anymore. But it wasn't that. I wasn't deliberately staying away from her. She had just become unpleasant to be with. She was touchy about everything and used every opportunity to attack me and prove her point. At that time I didn't want to decide if I was still her friend or not. I just wanted time away from her. I had to cool down to think rationally.

I've never understood possessive people. Or maybe possessive isn't the right word. But people who want to see me in a certain way, and push me to be that. Alright, it might be for my eventual good, but can people at least talk to me about it in a civilized way? Maybe try to see what I want and what I'm doing wrong and try to lead me to where they want gently and try to align their ideas with mine and try to make both work? People just don't let me be. My parents, teachers, even Ronit was the same: he thought I had a lot of attitude, that I was an attention seeker, blah, blah. He misinterpreted everything I did. See, he liked me. As more than a friend. I could see that from the way he behaved when he was around me. But I think that he formed an image of me in his mind in our initial days, thinking I was sweet, pretty, this, that. And he liked that. Plus, we were pretty close, and I understood him. And then slowly he got to realize that I was more than he had imagined. And he didn't like it, because it didn't fit in with the image of me that he had created. So he tried to mold me into the kind of girl he wanted. Always telling me to do this, that. Here's a quote from A Way of Being by Carl Rogers: