Old Yellow Pages ✓

9. letting go

2nd november, friday, 2018

dear diary,

Deactivating Instagram made me realize something.

The thing with Insta is that once I open it, I lose track of time while going through my news feed and it's almost an hour before I realize what I'm doing. In the end, I feel terrible for having wasted time.

After deactivation, I played the piano in my study breaks or read novels, and I might have lost track of time again and spent as much time as I would have on Insta, but afterward, I felt satisfied because of having done something productive. I have reactivated my account now, but I just don't feel like opening the app, probably because I have realized how useless it is and what all I can do in that time. Maybe this is why I don't feel like talking to my friends anymore. There is just no need to.  

Sherry pointed out a very valid thing to me: I have 300 followers and follow 500 people from school, but there are only around 50 whom I actually talk to and 10 whom I confide in.

Am I really comfortable with showing a part of myself to the rest of them?

I have thought about it a lot. There are so many people whom I can live without, so many whose texts I don't have to reply to, so many people whom I don't have to keep up with.

It's not important to maintain contact with everyone from school and to keep yourself updated on the latest gossip about who's dating whom and who wore what to that party. It never occurred to me that I create my own online experience, and now I have decided not to give space to empty relationships in my life. Why interact online with people with whom you just have a formal "hi hello" kind of a relationship?

I removed followers, and unfollowed people. And frankly, I don't even remember who all I have removed from my life. I can't even remember their names, so insignificant those people were.

A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

We all secretly want followers. So many of us are trying to be social butterflies. "I know everyone in this school, and everyone knows me," I've heard people say proudly.

What's the big deal, bro? We all will graduate and go separate ways in 3 months. How many people will you actually keep in touch with? How many will be there for you when you need them?

I have made a list of people I can't live without. I have figured out my friendships more or less. I know who means what to me.

I think it's time to shift my focus to self-growth rather than investing time in other people and in building a huge following. I should stop leaving pieces of myself in everyone I talk to.

I'm letting go, a deeper dive.

The environment in school has become very toxic, with all this loneliness and teachers telling me that I won't do well in my final exams because I'm not studying properly. Fuck you, bitches. I'm trying to. I'm just not good at physics and chem and whatever.

I wake up, I dread going to school. The bell rings, and I dread coming back home, because my parents would ask me, "So, what happened today?" and I would say, "Classes," and they would say, "Did you understand anything?" and I, guilty, would say, "A little," when in reality I won't have understood anything.

My days are a never-ending cycle of waking up happy and hopeful, and being let down before two hours have passed.

If I could run away and leave behind everything right now, I would. Normally people need a day or two to figure things out, to plan stuff. They want to say goodbye to friends and their favorite teachers. Some people even have small farewell gatherings to meet everyone for the last time.

Some say, "We have worked so hard all year. It's just a matter of three more months, let us take the exams and get the certificate of graduation, and then do something else, otherwise all our effort till now will go to waste."

I won't bother even about that. I won't tell anyone, because no one will care. No one will notice my absence, apart from Sherry and Mikki (maybe Ronit too. We don't talk anymore, and I think he misses me.) I won't meet anyone. No parties. I might deactivate my account again to avoid answering questions. I will simply pick up my bag and take off, without ever looking back.

I was a very positive person and I always told people that we create our own reality, and our happiness is in our own hands. I don't know what happened to that girl. I used to crack jokes in classes to make everyone laugh, and people loved me. I guess they have all found someone better to love now, they have all moved on, because all they say to me in the halls is, "Hi." I've just become...irrelevant. Or maybe, they all are as frustrated with their lives as I am.

You know what, now that I think about it, this is probably the reason. Our education system has fucked everyone up and has left little time for anything else.

Sigh. I never thought I would become one of those aloof, disinterested people who sit in the corner. But hey, I have. I've become a drapetomaniac. And I want to run away.

  ❄