Old Yellow Pages ✓

25. self-respect

27th december, thursday, 2019

dear diary,

Remember the picnic incident I wrote about? Thinking about that sometimes leaves me wondering what impression my classmates have of me.

I asked Sherry this today.

He said that the boys think I'm cool because I mess with teachers— for instance, when I was laughing non-stop in class, (and even to Roma ma'am's face when she was scolding me), ma'am asked me to write an apology letter mentioning the reasons for my ill-mannered behavior. I wrote stuff like laughter is infectious and good for health and that I escaped from a mental asylum, so could my tendency to laugh arbitrarily please be excused? The letter went to the vice-principal. And there I started laughing again. So turns out, my classmates don't think I'm all that bad.

Then Sherry wanted to know why I was asking this. Was I insecure?

I said no. I have no self-respect issues and nothing anyone says will ever change that because my respect for myself will decrease only when I do something that makes me fall in my own eyes, and not when people say shit about me.

I think a lot of my sadness arises from my inability to wake up early. Mostly I awake late, and upon realizing that I've missed my peaceful morning time, I feel like crap. That affects how I look at the rest of things. Everything feels meaningless. I feel like my entire day has been wasted already.

Anyway, I explained to Sherry that I was simply unable to find a good company, and that was what propelled me to say that I had no friends that day on the bus.

He felt terrible then, and apologized to me for not understanding me and passing remarks about me at that time. Even though I said it was fine, it didn't matter much, and it genuinely didn't, he kept apologizing. I knew it was coming from his heart. He even cried over it at night, and I know that's because he's my best friend now. He really cares about me. I'm glad that's sorted between us.

Lately, I have noticed that I am not able to hold grudges. For some reason, things just don't make me angry anymore, and even if they do, my anger dissolves quickly.

He asked me why I hadn't blocked him if I disliked him when we had just started talking.

If there's anything that spirituality has taught me, it's that you should forgive and forget. The 'forgetting' part for me is very important. I may say that I have forgiven. I may even convince myself that I have. But so long as I can't forget, my forgiveness is mere lip service. It does not extend to my heart or brain. I'm just being civilized. Someone said sorry, so I felt obliged to offer forgiveness. And I did that, while still carrying the grievance in my heart. That's not forgiveness.

I remember, when I was in class 6, there was this girl who bullied me. She wouldn't stop passing remarks about me. I tried to defend myself in every way: I retorted, spread rumors about her, and slapped her once when she crossed the limit. None of this had any effect on her. In fact, matters became worse. Then, on friendship day, I gave her a bracelet. That melted her immediately. Although at such a young age I couldn't understand what forgiveness truly was, that gesture itself was commendable. That was an important lesson for me. My self-respect increased. I still remember the relief, and how good it felt to have done such an honorable deed.

Forgiveness is for the strong, revenge for the weak.

That's my philosophy, and I'm trying my best to live it every day.

❄