The Light in the Dark (Completed)

I Can't

I can barely look at myself in the mirror anymore.
I hate my voice.
I hate my body.
I hate my face.
I can't look anyone in the eyes anymore.
I feel so lonely and disconnected and empty, but I don't know how to tell people without seeming like I'm being weird or dramatic or just complaining.

Everyone just seems so angry; at other people, at the world, at me.
And it makes me so anxious and self-conscious and sick, but I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to fully explain it anymore.

I can't sleep anymore.
At 2 A.M., I'm still awake,
even though everything aches and my vision is blurry and I can barely form a complete thought.
My mind's wide awake, even though every other part of me
is begging to go to sleep.

I don't want to do anything anymore. Nothing satisfies me anymore.
Social media just reminds me how lonely and sad and disconnected I am, which makes me feel even worse.
Music either makes me sad or bored, because I've heard the same thing so many times before.
I don't want to do my homework. It's boring and stupid and a waste of time, so why bother? I wasn't even paying attention during class, because I was so tired from the night before.
I don't want to practice an instrument, because it just reminds me how bad I am at them.
I don't want to search for colleges I'm going to apply for, because honestly? I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with my life. I don't even know if I'll make it that far anyways. Right now I'm having trouble seeing myself make it through the year, yet alone all of high school and college.

At this point, I don't even know why I try anymore.
Sometimes I think I should tell someone, but then what? What happens next? They'd either lecture me and tell me everything I'm doing wrong or just say "I'm sorry you're feeling like that". Neither is really helpful, because it doesn't do anything. All it does it make me feel bad for even telling them, and then I feel like a burden, and I worry I said something wrong.

At the same time, though, it's comfortable here. It's hard trying to be happy when you know you're not even close to it.
I want to get better, but I also don't want to.
I know it's hurting me, I know it's tearing me apart, but I'm not sure if I want to tell someone.

So, for now, I'll just sit back and watch as everything crashes and burns and crumbles around me.
For now, I'll just feel myself sink deeper and deeper as water fills
my lungs, and it'll hurt, it'll hurt so much, but I'll know that I'll be too far down to go back.

And for now, I'll just be stuck.

Author's Note
This one's more of a rant but... here you go, I guess. If you'd like to, leave a comment if you relate.