The Light in the Dark (Completed)

Famine

You haven't eaten in days.

I'm not hungry, you tell yourself.
Every time you even look at food, though, you feel the gnawing pain in your stomach. On some level, you know this is only hurting you.
But you can't seem to stop.
You feel powerful, in control. At least one thing is going right in your life, if nothing else.

I don't need it, you tell yourself.
You'd been gaining weight the past few months, and you hated looking at yourself in the mirror, let alone weighing yourself.
You never feel good enough.
Your grades are never high enough, you're never outgoing or hardworking enough. Your parents are always angry with you for never being the person they wanted you to be.

It could be worse, you tell yourself.
You remember reading somewhere that starving yourself is technically self harm, but you tell yourself you're not starving. You'll eat if you have to.
If your stomach is trying to claw its way out of your body, if your head is pounding so hard you can't see straight, if the room is spinning and you can barely concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes, then you'll eat.
You'll eat at home, because you know if your parents found out they'd never forgive you.

I'm fine, you tell yourself.
In truth, you know you're not.
Every time you catch a passing glimpse of yourself in the mirror, all you see is the bags under your eyes. You can never get enough sleep, if you sleep at all.
Your brain is moving too fast and too slow all at once.
You know you aren't making rational decisions, but a voice in your head tells you to keep going. To keep yourself controlled and disciplined, and that if you mess up one little thing you're a failure who deserves to be punished.

This is the only way I can feel okay again, you tell yourself.
You keep restricting yourself more with every passing day.
It's working, at least for now.
You know you're going to break down eventually, but if it's really hurting you, why do you feel so good about it? Why can't you stop?
You don't know how, but you don't exactly want to, either.
It's the only thing that makes you feel alive when everything around you is dying.

Author's Note
Idk man I'm just never hungry anymore. Is that bad? Probably, but am I going to do anything about it? Probably not.
It's weird right now, and I'm stressed, which is why my anxiety is worse than ever. I don't see the point in trying.
Maybe it'll get better after everything calms down and I'm not running around so much.