The Light in the Dark (Completed)

I'm Not

I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I'm not enough.
I'm sorry I'm such a failure and a disappointment.
I'm sorry I always mess up everything I do.
All the voices that are in my head tell me everything that's wrong with me and why I should leave.

I want to be alone, but I also don't want to be lonely.
I want to prove I can do this by myself, but I also don't want to be completely alone with no one to talk to when everything goes wrong.
I'm sorry I'll never be enough for you.
I'm not even enough for myself.

I just cry myself to sleep, and hope I don't wake up the next morning.
But then I do, and so I get up, and life goes on even though I feel so numb and detached and lonely and I can't stop thinking about how my future is going to be terrible, but I probably won't even make it that far anyways.
I'm not even sure I'm going to live, no, I'm not even sure I want to live to graduate college, let alone high school.
I just don't have anything to look forward to anymore.
Sure, I'll do my work and pass my classes and try to graduate, and sure, I'll look for colleges and choose a major, but it doesn't mean anything anyways, because I'm not planning on living that far anyways. I don't see the point.
I'm just going to grow up and be a failure and disappoint everyone I meet because I'm just a terrible person and I'm not talented or interesting.

I'm not worthy of any love or praise because who would love someone like me? I'm anxious and sad and I get stressed easily and I'm too quiet and I mumble and I have a hard time answering questions and talking to people in general.
I doubt myself and put myself down every single day for every single thing I do because I hate myself.

I hate myself. I hate my body because I'm fat and I don't even try to be healthy. I hate my voice because it's weird and ugly and awful and I always sound like I'm sick when I'm not. I hate my personality because I'm too quiet and awkward and I open up too often to people I don't even know because I just want to talk to someone who understands for once.
I'm so self-deprecating and I hate it; I know it's bad and I know it messes me up,
but I just want to be good enough for someone for once,
because all I ever do is disappoint people
and get in the way of their lives.

Author's Note
I don't really know what to say about this one, I honestly feel like I said everything I needed or wanted to say.