The Light in the Dark (Completed)

I Know

I know
that at this point
everyone is just annoyed with me.

I've been stuck in this rut for so long -why am I not out of it yet?
People keep telling me
that I am loved
and cared about
and I just need to keep fighting,
and I know,
I know I need to simply start getting better,
but it's so hard when
I have trouble breathing
and thinking
and talking normally
and it's hard when
I can barely find the energy
to get myself up in the morning.

I know I need to just tell someone,
I know I need to get help,
but I just don't know if I want to because I feel too far gone
and too lost
and too broken to be helped.

And at this point
everything hurts
and everything makes me want to cry and I just want to be happy.

I just want to be happy again.

I don't want to feel like this anymore and I know I need to just pull myself out of it,
but I've been this way for so long
that I'm starting to think
there isn't even a point
in trying.
I just keep going through these cycles of being okay,
then getting worse and worse
until I finally start to get better,
but then I start to feel bad again,
and it's just so exhausting
and I want this to be over.

I know
I have people that tell me they care
and they want to help
but it doesn't really feel like it because if they actually did care,
why do I still feel like this?
I know
it's not their fault, though,
it's mine for not talking
and for being so anxious about everything
and for being so self-deprecating
and for thinking that nobody wants me around
and
I'm sorry,
I know I keep saying it
over
and over
and over
but I'm sorry,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I'm doing everything wrong.

I just want to feel normal again.
I don't want to feel awful about everything I say
and do
and think
and I don't want to feel bad
for talking about my problems;
I don't want to feel like a burden anymore.
I just don't know how to get out of this place anymore
and it feels like
everything's weighing down on me
and my mind is constantly screaming at me
and telling me that I'm doing everything wrong
and that I should just stop,
I should stop
talking
and trying
and breathing
and existing
because it won't matter anyways.
It won't matter
how hard I try
or how much I talk to people about my problems
because it'll just keep coming back to haunt me at 1am as I'm laying on my bedroom floor sobbing,
as I'm desperately asking God
where He is
and why He's letting this happen to me and why nobody cares enough
to ask me if I'm okay.

I know that I just annoy everyone
by talking about my problems
because it's just the same thing every time;
they give me advice and I don't even try
to do what they say,
instead, I just wallow in self pity
and continue to wonder
why I'm even alive.

I just want to sleep
for a million years and never wake up again
because at this point it seems like the only way to make everything go away, all of the pain
and suffering
and hurt
and doubt
and anxiety.

I just want all of this to be over.

Author's Note
Lullaby by Sleeping At Last is the song I was listening to as I was writing this poem.
When I wrote the line "I just want to be happy again" I was about to cry but like I don't know why I'm telling you this anyways, lol I complain too much.