The Light in the Dark (Completed)

No Matter What

It's like no matter what I do
or no matter how hard I try,
I can't get out of this.
I feel so awful all the time
but I don't want anyone to know that
so I've just learned to say
"I'm good"
and smile even when
there's tears in my eyes.
I've been like this
for as long as I can remember
and there's no signs
that I'm getting better,
or that I will be anytime soon.

And the worst part is
I don't know of anyone else that thinks this way.
I don't know anyone
who looks at their problems
and thinks
"it's not bad enough yet,
and I can't get help until it's really bad,
so I'm going to actively try to make my life worse
and make myself miserable".

I feel so alone,
and oh gosh,
why doesn't anyone understand, why doesn't anyone see
how much I'm trying not to break down
every single day,
why doesn't anyone see me?
I might as well just kill myself because I literally don't see another way out of this.
I've tried everything,
everything
and nothing works.
Not talking to people about it,
not listening to music
or writing
or even doing those stupid breathing exercises.

I feel like an absolutely disgusting person
and I just don't know
if I can do this anymore.
I can't keep going through these cycles of thinking I'm okay then breaking down one day over something stupid and then thinking I'll never get any better.
It's so exhausting
and I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this.

I know I'm being irrational
but at this point
all of my thoughts are irrational
so I don't even try to fix them anymore.
There's no point.
They just keep
coming back
no matter what I do.

Author's Note
Being away from Wattpad has been... rough, in a word. I feel like I'm running out of inspiration, like nothing I write is ever good enough to show to anyone else. I've been so critical of my writing, which is partially why I haven't posted much recently. I know I just need to keep writing and not think about it so much, but it's hard when I know hundreds or possibly thousands of people could be looking at my writing. It's scary, it really is.