Mind Or Matter

Chapter Six

Ellie

I awoke to the sound of screaming.

And, for once, it wasn't mine.

I sat up from my bed, looking around. The sound seemed to be coming from above me, as if someone was strapped to the roof.

More testing, I thought, shaking my head. When will they learn? Shock therapy, running all of these body examinations, testing how much pain mentally ill people can take... it doesn't work. And it's not right.

I got up from my bed, feeling the cold floor beneath my feet. What time is it? I wondered, looking out the window. The sun wasn't at the top of the sky, just a while below. Early afternoon, I thought, sitting down on the floor.

Suddenly, someone knocked on the big, white door. A sweet, soft voice came from the other side. "Ellie? It's Doctor Hamm. I'm coming in, okay?"

I sighed, hugging my knees, which were covered by a light blue hospital gown. The brunette opened the door, stepping into my cell.

"Hi, Ellie!" she said in a cheerful voice, letting the heavy door fall shut behind her. Her thin ponytail bobbing as she sat down in front of me, she tilted her head to my direction. "Ellie? What do you say when someone says 'hi'?"

I didn't answer.

The doctor smiled at me, sitting down next to me, her brown leather purse in her lap. "I've got a present for you!" Pulling out a stuffed giraffe, she handed it to me.

I looked away from the toy, tears flooding in my eyes. "Put it away, Lily," I muttered, my voice breaking.

Doctor Hamm wiggled the toy lightly in her hands. "Come on. This will help if you face your fear."

My throat burning, holding back tears, I said quietly, "no, please."

Sighing, Doctor Hamm set the stuffed animal down underneath the cot, faking a smile at me. "Would you like to tell me what happened, why you hate stuffed animals?"

I looked down, letting the tears slide down my face. "Why? You already know," I said in a dull emotionless tone.

Doctor Hamm placed her hand on my back, trying to make me feel more comfortable. "If you really don't wanna tell me, I'll leave you be." She stood from the cot, walking towards the door.

"Lily," I whispered, looking up with my eyes only, "don't go."

Doctor Hamm stopped, not moving. With her back still towards me, she said softly, "will you talk about it?"

I froze, not sure what to say. If I told her, I'd have to go back to my terrible past, but if I didn't, she'd leave and I might not see her again for a long time. And, honestly, I liked Lily Hamm. She was the only doctor here who really cared about me, who didn't just use my body to run crazy tests.

"Okay."

Doctor Hamm turned around, grinning kindly. "Good," she started, sitting back down next to me, "now, tell me about your phobia."

I cleared my throat, playing with the ends of my hospital gown. "Well, around when I was four years old, my parents would give me stuffed animals as presents. They represented their love for me and my love for them, like a symbol."

Doctor Hamm wrote down everything I said on her clipboard. I didn't like the clipboard. The clipboard meant tests. The clipboard meant pain.

She looked up at me, seeing the stress in my face. "Don't worry," she hushed, placing a free hand on my shoulder, "no one else will see this. I just want to keep this. I worry about you, Ellie." She moved her hand off, getting her pen ready again. "Please continue."