Mind Or Matter

Chapter Twenty

We had taken Chase's journals home. On the roof, holding his diaries, I had told Candi to throw them by this tree growing at the side of the house. She did, and after we returned from the police department, we came back and got the books.

I was reading it right now, sitting in my bed. It was sometime around eleven, and I didn't have to go to work until two.

There was an entry written seventeen years ago. That would make Chase... nine...

After reading the passage, I felt a different feeling towards Chase. Before, I had thought of Chase as a dick who took advantage of girls. But, after reading, I saw Chase's soft side.

November 4th, 2000

Dear Journal

Mom died on Halloween. It's now my worst favorite holiday.

Pa kept yelling me yesterday. He said that Ma died cause a me. He beat me with his belt gain, like he usually does.

"Ya be a good boy now, ya here?!" he kept shouted. My ass still is red from Pa.

Honestly Diary, Journal, or whatever, I am scared, really. Ma's gone, and now Pa is always being mad. Yesterday he sent me to bed without supper cause I just was talking about how much I did love Ma.

I still remember exactly what had happened. It was Halloween, and Pa had pulled up the truck in the driveway of dirt. The rusted blue one, not the other one the shed keeps. Grampa was sittin in his rockin chair with the porch. He whittle and whistle.

I was in the field harvesting tomatoes, or something like that or somethin. I remember them nasty tiny bugs all over my hands, but farmers are tough, just like Pa said. "Only queers and girls squeal at the sight of bugs."

I remember goin over ta Pa's truck. I kept on hollerin his name. Ma came outside too, wearin her white apron. I think she had been bakin bread or somethin.

I remember washin up for dinner afer that. Pa was in the kitchen with Ma, and I could hear them kissin. Then Ma yelped a little and said, "Chuck, no."

I heard Pa do this weird snarl and Ma yelped again. I came into the room, wantin to see what was goin on. But Pa only stepped back from Ma, askin about the bread.

That night I remember Pa talkin to me. I had asked him about why Ma screamed. Was is a bug or a snake? I didn't know...

"Son, isn't it right to touch your wife how ya want?" he had asked me at the table in the kitchen. He had had that face look that jumped me good. It said to me that I'd get a beatin if I didn't tell the right words.

I only nodded.

Pa grinned, his chipped teeth round the back showin "Good boy. Now, you know how babies are made, right?"

I nodded again, feeling bit nervous.

"Isn't it right for the man of the house to do it with his wife, even if she's not as excited as he is?"

I nodded, this time not to sure that Pa was a right.

I could hear them that night. Pa shoutin, "baby, stop screamin!"

She'd whimper, "please don't, Chuck."

Around the middle of the night I recall waking from screaming from the back. I looked out my window and saw Pa draggin Ma out behind the shed, his shovel in his hand and Ma in his other hand. Well he wasn't really draggin her, she was on her feet. But he pullin her behind the shed and I didn't like how he held the shovel.

Mom wasn't at the breakfast table next mornin. I didn't asked Pa cause I knew he'd beat me or somethin.

Ma never came back. Pa says she was hit by some truckin idiot. But I think he had done somethin to her.

I miss ya, Ma. Please know that I always will.

-Chase

I could feel tears building up in my eyes. Holy fuck, I thought, Chase's dad killed his wife... He taught Chase to be the awful person he is today... Before, there was an innocent, kind child. It wasn't Chase who was a terrible person, it was his dad.

Disturbed by Chase's past, I could never imagine Candi staying with Chase. If she had refused to have sex with him, he would've forced her, then killed her, just like his dad had done to his wife.

Shaking my head to get rid of those horrible thoughts, I checked the time on my phone. 11:43 am.

Chase was a real person, not just some tough macho guy who abused his girlfriend. He used to be sweet and caring.

Turning the pages, I read another entry dated July 26th, 2004.

July 26th, 2004

Dear Journal

Jane is the most amazing girl I've ever met cept Ma of course. She's smart and funny and likes me. We want to run way together and I'm really really excited.

I know I am in love. Jane started to teach me more bout grammar. She has read my journal entries and saw I wasn't great at spellin. Now I'm better but Jane says I still have ways to go.

Pa will never approve and especially not Grampa. So we have to run way. Forever. Jane wants to go to New York City. She told me bout the bright lights and the taxis and the broad way. I don't know what a broad way is, maybe it's her describing them New Yorkers.

Pa hates New Yorkers. He says they screw people over.

But Jane and I gonna become New Yorkers. We'll eat bagels like what she told me bout. Her daddy lives in New York. She says we go live with him or maybe we'll live on our own.

I'm excited Journal. Tomorrow is my last day on the farm.

Wish me luck!

-Chase

I shut the old diary when I heard a knock at the door. With my left food asleep, I hobbled over to the door, looking in the small peephole.

It was Arianna.