It's Been A Long Time... [Desperate Measures Sequel]

FiftyFive.

I left the courthouse with Dean in a cab. We didn't speak the whole time we sat in the cab, I didn't quite have the right words to say everything I thought about speaking. I thought about reaching over and trying to hold his hands, but his hands were firmly placed in jacket pockets. Many times I turned and looked at him as he sat in the back of the cab looking out the window, I even opened my mouth to speak a couple of times but the words weren't right, I just didn't know what to say. On arrival at his home we exited the cab, he paid the driver, once the cab drove off we were alone. I followed him up the front door as he unlocked it before we both entered the house. He closed the door behind me locking it before he looked at me as I slipped my coat off and shoes off.

"You did really well today," he managed to say as he leaned against the closed door. His voice sounded like he was really struggling to believe what he was saying like he didn't really want to talk.

I hung my coat on the hook before I turned back to him, "Thanks." My voice was more of a mutter than anything else. I was unsure of him right now, it wasn't that I was scared of him, I was just more scared of what he was thinking.

I wondered what he was thinking, what was going through his head as he stared at me. I wondered what he thought about everything he heard today in court. I wanted to ask him but at the same time, I was scared about what he would say in reply.

"I lied," he said quickly. Like it had been building up inside of him like if he didn't say those words then he would explode.

Confusion spread across my face as my insides churned at what he might be hinting at. "What?" I asked quietly as I curled my hands into the sleeves of my shirt as I watched him. 

"That night," he started to tell me. "I did ring you-"

"Whatever you think you could have done," I told him as I interrupted him to stop him from talking anymore. "This is just how it is, please don't-"

"Blame myself?" He finished my sentence before I could. 

I nodded silently as I stepped back and sat on the bottom step of the stairs. I didn't want to think about how things could have been different, if I thought about it then I would just think about it for the rest of my life and it wouldn't change a damn thing.

"How can I not blame myself? This is all my fault," he told me as he ran his hands through his hair. He looked nervous, scared, even worried, everything I didn't think he would be, I thought he would be angry. "I have to go," he blurted out as he turned back to the door. 

My eyes widened as I looked up at his back and got to my feet, "Please don't go." 

"I'm sorry," he muttered before he unlocked the door and left the house. 

As soon as the door closed I yanked it open to see him getting into his car, I ran out towards his car, my hands trying at the passenger side door but it was locked as he started the engine. 

"Please open the door," I begged as I held the handle. 

He looked at me, a flash of an unknown emotion in his eye before he turned back and looked at the driveway ahead. I yanked the handle of the door but again it was locked, I let it go and groaned to myself as I gritted my teeth out of anger.

I quickly moved and stood in front of his car, his eyes looked straight into mine as he just stared lifelessly. I banged on the hood of his yellow vehicle with my fists to get his attention, I watched as he seemed to show some anger of his face, his eyes narrowing and his lips forming a thin line. If this was the only way to get his attention, to not get him to drive away from me then I was going to go ahead and do it again. 

Lifting my fists from the hood of the car I banged them a little harder this time, apart from making him angrier it didn't seem to get him out of the car. I could deal with whatever he wanted to say right now, even him saying anything would be better than silence, than this. 

I sighed to myself as I felt tears in my eyes, I didn't want to get upset, I wanted to get angry but I was heartbroken that he would just leave rather than talk about this. Looking into his eyes I did what I could to try and get a reaction, my little fists pounded on his hood over and over under he looked away from me and stuck the car into reverse. I watched as he backed the car up and away from me before he drove around me and left. I could have dealt with him revving the car at me, I could have dealt with him moving the car forward in my direction but he had just left, left me there alone to deal with every dark thought that was already swimming around my head. The thoughts grew louder as I thought about his words, about his lies. I knew what he was going to say, I knew exactly what he was going to say and it made me angry that he just couldn't admit his feelings to me then and now. 

Sinking to the ground I didn't even feel how cold it was, all I felt was emptiness as the tears streamed down my face. I pulled my knees close to my chest as I put my head on my knees and cried to myself. I knew he wasn't going to take it well but this surprised me, I thought he would want to talk about it, maybe even pretend it didn't happen but to take off, that scared me. 

After a while, I didn't even know how long passed before I pushed myself off the ground and got to my feet. I wiped my eyes with my sleeves before I headed to the house, I closed the door behind me before I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My face was red and puffy from the crying I had done, I hated looking at myself after crying. My trousers were covered in a thick brown mud where I had been on the ground and there was a trail into the house where I had just walked through. 

Turning away from the mirror I tried to wriggle out of the trousers I was wearing only to get mad at the zipper. I yanked the zipper open splitting it open and breaking it before I stripped of them and left them dumped in a pile in front of the mirror before removing my socks leaving them there alongside my shoes and trousers before I peeled the shirt off I was wearing. I took a deep breath before I looked towards the stairs and started to walk towards them before my eyes caught my reflection again. I raked my eyes over my underwear-clad body, my mind judging every bit of flesh that was exposed. 

"Don't," I mumbled to myself as I closed my eyes. I tried to push those dark thoughts out of my head, the ones that told me that I wasn't good enough, that this was too much to maintain. 

How could he just leave me here, alone? How could he leave me to deal with everything, after all we had been through together? He was the one who dropped a bombshell yet he was the one who left like he had been wronged. Opening my eyes I looked back at myself before I shook my head, my hands were shaking but closed into fists before I swung my right hand into the mirror shattering it and leaving blood from my open wounds on my knuckles in the cracks. I groaned as I clutched my bleeding fist before I picked up the shirt from the floor and wrapped it around my hand. 

I sprinted up the stairs ignoring the pain that was building throughout my hand before I pulled on a pair of skinny black jeans before unwrapping the shirt from around my hand. I chucked the now red shirt onto the bed before I checked the open wound over, the bleeding seemed to have stopped, just. My legs were twitching as I itched to get out of there, my hands shaking still as I opened the wardrobe, my hands moving each item of hung clothes before I picked out one of my black tops from the back before I slipped it over my head. It was a plain black long-sleeved top that I could stretch over my hands. Crouching down I grabbed a pair of black boots from the bottom of the wardrobe before I pushed my feet into them, I slammed the door of the wardrobe as I walked away from it. Heading down the stairs I grabbed my suitcase that I had left by the stairs before I picked up my handbag and walked out the house locking the door behind me. 

Holding the keys in my hand I was undecided what I was supposed to do with them, I went with it with the first thought in my head and pushed them through the letterbox before leaving the vicinity.