It's Been A Long Time... [Desperate Measures Sequel]

SixtyOne.

We'd not spoken in the car although the silence was not awkward, it was just right. His hand held mine that whenever he didn't need it on the wheel. He opened the door for me when we arrived at the house, he watched me carefully as I took my shoes off before hanging my jacket up. 

I turned to look at him, his eyes were full of worry, of concern as I stood before him, my hands in front of me clasping each other as I made eye contact with him. My body was trembling as I stared into his eyes, I hated the silence, I hated the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. 

"Please-" My voice was quiet as I spoke. 

"Natasha," he interrupted me using my full first name, something he had probably only done a few times. "I'm so sorry," he stepped forward and reached for my hands. Gently he took my hands, "I shouldn't have been," he thought about the words, "So, me."

His hands were clammy as he held mine, maybe he was nervous. "Dean," I bit my lip before I leaned forward and rested my forehead on his shoulder. "I'm scared." My voice was wobbly as I spoke, I knew I sounded weak at that moment in time but I needed him right now. 

I felt his arms wrap around me as he held me close to him, his chin rested on my head. I could hear his heart beat through his chest as his fingers slowly brushed up and down my spine before his fingers played with the ends of my hair. "Nothing means as much to me as you do," his voice was quiet but clear. I felt him kiss my hair before he pulled out of the hug but still stayed close to me as his hands cupped my face. "I'm such an idiot, I never meant to-"

"I love you," I interrupted him as I looked up at him, my hands covering his as they stayed on my face. 

His hold on me was intense, like everything depending on him holding me close to him. "I've not always treated you right, every time I get close to you I push you away." His right thumb trailed over my lips, as he touched me everything just felt right there and then. "I need me and you are meant to be together," his eyes seemed to sparkle as he spoke to me. "Please don't write me off yet."

I peeled my hands off of his before I tip-toed up and brushed his hair from his face. "If you want me in your life still," I breathed heavily as I looked deeply into his eyes. I wanted him to know I was here, that I really wanted him in my life. "As more than friends," I knew friends would never be possible for us. If we were going to be in each other's lives then it was all or nothing, no friends, no being civil, to be in each other's lives we had to be in a relationship or nothing, I knew that he knew that. 

Without being in a relationship we just screwed each other around, we messed with each other's heads and I didn't want, didn't need that any more. I loved him so much, there was something about him I needed in my life. 

"We are going to need to talk about everything," I finally finished what I was saying before I looked down at the floor before making eye contact with him again. "From now on I don't want to have any secrets."

"We better talk then." His hands left my face before intertwining his fingers through mine before he gently pulled me through to the living room where he pulled me down onto the sofa next to him. "There are so many unshared secrets between the two of us."

I nodded as I bit my lip, "I never meant to keep anything from you." My quiet was small and unsure as I looked up at him, "All I ever wanted was to be happy."

"Weren't we happy?"

My words were not saying how I meant them to sound, "All you have ever done is make me happy." I squeezed his hand as I managed a small smile at him. "When we are happy everything is amazing."

"When we're bad, we're toxic," he spoke words that were so true. "You are my world Tasha," Dean's eye's softened as he spoke to me. "Ever since I met you that day at the airport I just could not get you out of my head." He shook his head at me, "There is no one in this world that gets me like you do, no one I would rather wake up next to, no one who makes my heart beat a little quicker when I see them."

His words were beautiful, I would never get over how much he loved me, how I made him feel. It was crazy because I felt the same inside. He was my one, my soulmate if you will. "You are everything to me," I told him as I let go of his hands and placed them on my legs as I leaned forward in my seat looking down at the ground. "It's why I have to be honest with you."

"We don't need to do this now," he told me as I looked up at him. 

I shook my head, "If I don't tell you everything now I'll never talk about it."

His lips gave me a small smile, a smile that was forced as he looked at me waiting for me to speak. 

"When I was young," I started as I thought back to my childhood, to the moment I skipped my first meal intentionally. "Someone told me I was fat, that no one would ever want a fat girl." I looked away from him before I sighed, "I was barely a teenager." I never expected to tell anyone about my past, it was something I had kept inside all these years. "I guess I never wanted to be fat, ever. You know, the funny thing was, I wasn't even fat." I didn't make eye contact with him, "Just like that I started to skip meals, before refusing to eat all together." Narrowing my eyes at the floor I shrugged my shoulders. "It was easy not to eat, not to think about food just barely surviving on very few calories every few days." My eyes softened before I looked at him, his expression that of confusion and a slight hint of disgust, something I had grown accustomed to. "Around ten crackers every three days usually kept me going," I admitted as I felt like I was telling a made up story, although this was very real. "My parents tried to get me help," as much as I loved my parents they were inexperienced when it came to getting me help. "My Mother found someone who offered to help me for a rather hefty fee."

"Tasha," he spoke my name in a soft tone as reached for me, his hand covering mine on my leg. I allowed him to take my hand, his fingers curling around the palm of my hand and tightening. 

My eyes stared into his as I continued to speak, "Did you know that twenty grand is a small price to pay if you want a quick fix to help your anorexic daughter?" I laughed as I thought about the one thing I had put to the back of my mind, the one thing that could break me. "1 in around 4500 people are born without a reproductive system, there is always going to be someone out there who will prey on the hopeful people." I looked down at the floor, "Two weeks away from home and twenty grand later I returned home with no uterus and no help for my eating disorder." 

I turned and looked up at him, "I love you which is why I cannot let you live your life with me if you want more than I can offer you." I breathed out slowly somewhat glad to get it all off my chest. "I want to be with you," I told him as I squeezed his hand tight. "But I want you to be happy more than anything."