He looked down at the table and then back at me like I had intentionally hurt him. Rubbing the obvious tension from his eyes, he huffed, "You can't do this to our family Kristen. I don't want a fucking divorce! Please think about how this will affect Emily." He slouched in his chair, obviously devastated by my decision as he stared at me in disbelief. His voice was low and raspy when he spoke again. "What do I have to do to get you to forgive me? Just tell me what I have to do and I'll do it."
I wiped the tears that escaped my eyes. It wasn't easy for me either. I hated to admit that I had failed at something I had no control over, "I do forgive you, I just don't want to be married to you anymore. Can't you just accept that and move on? You can start over just like I plan on doing." I tried to reason with him.
The waiter delivered the food, but neither of us were interested. He shook his head and glanced at me once more. "You don't want me anymore? Is that what you are saying?" He was clenching his jaw. I hated him for making me feel like this was my fault. He was the one that fucked up, not me.
"Can we just talk about what's going to happen?" I knew before I asked that he wouldn't dare discuss it anymore with me. He was angry and he felt rejected. I did want him, but he hurt me so deeply that I felt the need to protect myself, and the only way I could do that was to get away from him.
He sarcastically laughed as he stood up and tossed money down on the table before walking out the door. He never even touched his food and I offered the free, untouched meal to the couple that unfortunately witnessed our public discussion. They thanked me profusely and the wife consoled me before I exited the restaurant.
Unable to hold the tears back, I walked to my car. I noticed him leaning against his truck, like he was waiting for me. Ignoring him completely, I walked straight to my car and reached for the door handle only to be spun around to face him. He leaned against me as he pressed his lips to mine, softly kissing my lips.
I was so shocked and caught off guard, not expecting this from him. He slipped his tongue past my lips just as his hand snaked around the back of my head, twisting his fingers around my hair and holding me to him. I lost all self respect right at that moment for allowing him to kiss me and enjoying the way his lips felt on mine. Damn him! I was doing so great, but then my body was reacting to his touch, yet again. He finally let go and walked away. "You don't want me anymore? Bullshit!" I know that you fucking felt that." Before he allowed me a single word, he got in the truck and drove away.
I stood there shocked at what had just transpired, speed away. I finally got in my car just as the tears began streaming down my face. A few minutes later, I started the engine and drove back to my mother's house, cringing when I saw his truck parked out front. 'Shit!' Wiping my eyes, I got out, and dragged myself over to his truck to find him sitting there with the biggest frown on his face.
He looked at me with such anger when he spoke. "They're not here. I know it's not my night, but do you mind if I take her? I just don't want to be alone tonight."
He stared straight ahead, refusing to even look at me. Well, that's a change. Last time he didn't want to be alone, he found a random whore and fucked her in his hotel room. "They are at the park and yes, you can take her. Do you want to come in and wait?" I looked at the hurt distorted with anger in his face as he continued to stare straight ahead, down at the street.
"No, I'll wait out here." I knew he was upset about what I said and he didn't want to talk to me right now.
"Can you let her come give me kisses before you take her?" I asked, watching him nod as he glanced down at his phone screen.
I walked inside and sat down, letting out a deep sigh. It wasn't long before I heard Em's laughter and loud squealing as she bolted into the house. She was excited to see him, "daddy," was all I heard as he brought her inside to tell me that they were leaving. He was holding her over his shoulder, pretending to drop her, one of her favorite things and my least favorite. Putting her down, she raced over to tell me that she was going with Jared.
I gave her hugs and kisses and watched him carry her on his shoulders down the steps and out to his truck. He hid the pain well as he smiled and laughed with her.
"How did he take it?" Mom came in and sat down next to me, ready to offer emotional support if needed.
"He's upset and trying to use Em as a reason to stay married." I shook my head, "I'm doing what I think is best for Emily and me. He isn't going to be in her life any less than he is right now."
She looked at me and conjured up her mommy knows best voice. "Well, he wants to be with you Kris. He does love you, you know? I get that he messed up, but I think he knows better than to do it again. You are my daughter and I certainly don't want you hurt, but I think that maybe you should give this a little more thought before making a decision this big."
"I have to go. I have a free night and I think I'm going to clean up the house. I'll see you later." I couldn't listen to what she was saying. I had no intention of giving him another chance to screw me over. This wasn't the first time he stepped out on me and I didn't want her to see me cry anymore than she already had.
She knew when to back off and let me go without another word. I made it home and had every intention of cleaning, but instead, got myself a glass of wine and sat down, thinking about what a mess my life had become.
