I was expecting to see Connie and stood there for a few seconds not knowing what the hell to say. He had the same clothes on from the night before and his hair was a mess. "I came here last night to be here when Emily woke up. Mom's gonna take her to get something to eat so we can talk." He wouldn't even look me in the eye as he stepped back, allowing me inside.
Connie greeted me and let Emily give me a hug and kiss before taking her by the hand and leading her out the door.
"Want something to drink?" He asked, watching me sit down on the comfy couch.
"No, I'm good." I was still pretty bitter and angry at his words from the night before and struggled to maintain my composure.
He sat next to me, but with enough distance between us that we weren't touching. "Look, I love you Kristen, I really do, but I think we are wasting each other's time here. I'm tired of always taking all of the blame for anything that's happened. This was something that both of us have partial blame in. Can't you see that you were part of the problem?"
I was trying to stay calm and didn't want to argue anymore, but he was still using me to pin the blame on. "So, it's my fault that you slept with a whore?" I asked in a noticeably different tone.
"Are we really going to do this again?" He looked defeated as he stood and started pacing again. "I just can't do it anymore. It hurts too fucking much. You're killing me." He turned away when his eyes teared up a little and made me do the same. "Let's try spending some time away from each other and see what happens. We have to get along for Em. If we can just get through Christmas, I'll be gone for a few weeks. Maybe we will be better apart. I feel like I can't live without you, but I can't handle the constant fighting." He turned to look out the window.
My eyes quickly filled up because I felt the exact same way, it was almost as if I couldn't breathe without him. "That would be best, but we were separated for six months and nothing changed. I don't see this having a good ending." I used my thumb to wipe my eyes.
With his back to me he spoke again. "Maybe not, but let's just take some time for ourselves and see what happens. I'll have mom or Shannon pick her up and drop her off so that we won't have to see each other much." I knew that what he was saying made sense, but it didn't make it any less painful.
"Fine, I need to go. I can pick her up later." I said, wanting to end the conversation as fast as possible. I stood up and hurried to the door, not happy that he followed me. Jared grabbed my arm, pulling me to him. His arms slid around me, locking tightly and then he kissed my lips. Backing up, I could see the tears filling his eyes. "I really do want you to be happy Kristen, even if it's without me."
The lump in my throat stopped me from speaking as the anger mixed with pain and made me cry all the way home. It was like reliving the split all over again and I was never more relieved when his mom called asking if she could keep Emily for the night. I needed a break, and a bottle of wine. Luckily, Ashley came over, fully prepared carrying not one, but two bottles of my favorite red. She stayed with me, doing her best to keep me laughing throughout the night.
We worked everything out through texts, who would drop off and pick up and had successfully avoided each other altogether. Christmas came and went, but I felt numb once again. The fake smile I displayed was for my daughter only. Days turned into weeks and weeks into months. Before I knew it, six months passed. Matt and I became very good friends and I ended up doing some PR work for his band.
Jared appeared to be doing well. The band was touring like crazy and each time he had a break, he would make arrangements to visit with Em. We still avoided each other for the most part, but of course still had to text each other when needed.
Of course, I kept up with any news relating to him, who he was spotted with and if it was serious. He was single for the time being, but had been spotted snuggling up with a random woman twice. The pictures stirred up the jealousy and I caught myself becoming angry all over again.
I was happy to be working and threw myself into it fully as a means to distract myself. It took a little while, but slowly the old Kristen emerged, the one from back before I met Jared. The adventurous side of myself that I hadn't seen in years reappeared and I began going out as a single woman again. I hadn't actually started to date, but the point was I was going out.
I was also determined to do the best job I could for Matt. The more time went by, I started to realize that maybe Jared had a point about me being partly to blame. After all, it takes two to make a marriage work and I knew I had given up on him long before he cheated. Thinking back, he was right about the way I wasn't 'welcoming' when he came home. I should've made more time for him. I was so busy being a mother, that I lost sight of who I really was. Being alone, not only showed me how strong I was, but it revealed weaknesses I didn't know existed.
There were nights where I really missed him and wished things had gone differently. Some nights, after a glass of wine, I got to feeling lonely and punched his number into my dial pad. My finger hovered over the call button as I silently dared myself to call and tell him how much I missed him, but always chickened out. Then there were nights that I was glad it was over, glad that I no longer had to answer to anyone. I hadn't seen him face to face in so long, it was almost as if we no longer knew each other. I packed away all photos of our life together and put them into the attic. The only evidence of our relationship, was running throughout the house, excited for her birthday party.
I had to invite Jared to her party and his mother called to let me know that she would be attending, but still not a word from Jared. Would he really miss her birthday party? I didn't think so, but couldn't be sure.
The day of the party, I had a house full and was busy in the kitchen when Shannon appeared. I knew that Jared showed up and was suddenly feeling nervous about seeing him after all these months apart.
