Jared was trying so hard to please me, going out of his way to play with Emily and even helping around the house. It was so much more than he had ever done in the past, and the back massages were spoiling me rotten. I knew that it would all come to an end as soon as he left to go on tour, which also scared the shit out of me. What if he fucked up again? What if he met another woman that slipped him her number and he called her? What if all of this time and progress he's made was a waste of time? What if I'm not enough for him? All of these questions in my head were making me slowly go insane.
After breakfast together, Jared took Em with him to Shannon's and I stayed home to do some early spring cleaning. I was astonished to find the laundry neatly stacked in the laundry room. When I opened the refrigerator, I found that it had been cleaned as well. Who was this guy? He had to have gotten up really early to have this much done. I raced up to Emily's room, but he had beaten me to that as well. I expected to find clothes strewn all over the guest room, because Jared was known to be messy at times, but it was spotless and the bed was even made.
Taking advantage of my free time, I took a long, hot shower, washing my hair and grinning like an idiot. I took the time to blow dry my hair, a luxury I rarely had time for these days, and I then I lay sprawled across my bed, giggling at how lazy I was being. About thirty minutes later, I heard the front door burst open followed by Emily's laughter downstairs. Walking out of the bedroom, I could see that he was holding her over his shoulder. She was screaming and laughing wildly as he pretended to nearly drop her. "Jared! You know I hate that!" He scared the hell out of me, but she loved it. One day he would really drop her and we would be in the ER for sure.
"Sorry! She's just so wiggly and oh my God, she's getting heavy! I don't think I can't hold her anymore." He did it again and she squealed loudly as he caught her by the legs. Glancing in my direction, he caught a glimpse of my unhappiness and cleared his throat. "That's enough Em, mommy doesn't like that." He put her down and handed her a banana. "Here ya little monkey."
I suggested that we go to his place to get more clothes so he didn't have time to keep going back and forth. Things were back to normal as much as possible, but he was still staying in the guest room. I knew that it was a matter of time before I caved in and let him back into our bedroom, but it felt good that he didn't push for it.
After dinner, he cleaned the kitchen and I gave Emily a bath. I put her pajamas on and watched her brush her teeth, knowing that he wanted to lay with her until she fell asleep.
I sat on the bed, reading the latest true crime book by my favorite author and grinning when I overheard him reading to her. It took him forever to get through the story because she was asking so many questions. I giggled, totally losing interest in my book as I listened to him struggling to come up with answers to her inquiries.
I wasn't sure how much time passed, but it finally grew quiet. I could hear him going in and out of the bathroom and then to his room. The door closed and I sighed, a little disappointed that he didn't even try to come in by me. I tried to close my eyes and make myself go to sleep, but failed miserably. Shoving the covers off my legs, I crept down the hall and pushed the guest room door open. "What's wrong?" He asked, glancing over at me.
"Nothing's wrong. Just can't sleep." I knew damn well what I was doing. The fact that he was leaving soon was on my mind, but I also wanted him.
He sat up, patting the spot next to him. "Want to talk? I'd love to hear if you do."
"Sure, but can you come in here?" I watched him slide out of bed and follow me to our bedroom. "Tried to sleep, but I couldn't." I got into bed and smirked when he slipped in the other side and leaned back against the pillows.
"What's bothering you?" He asked, pulling me against his warm chest. "I can tell that something is on your mind." He rubbed his hand up and down my arm.
I dove right in, letting him know what was bothering me the most. "What happens when you leave to go back on the road? It's just been on my mind a lot lately." What I really thought was, 'What if you fuck up again?'
I could hear him take a deep breath and knew that he knew exactly what I was thinking. "Kristen.. I'm telling you, it's not going to happen again. I don't know what to do to get you to understand that I won't cheat on you. It was a stupid mistake and I was in a different place then. I realize how close I came to losing the two of you and I can't screw that up."
I sat up, still feeling like shit. "Jared I can't help how I feel. I can never trust again once I've been hurt." He stood and began pacing back and forth across the room.
"Baby, I've told you that I can't change what I did, but I swear it will never happen again. It's just so hard for me to hear that you will never trust me again." He stopped at the foot of the bed. "Never?"
I knew that it would start a fight, but I couldn't help it. "Maybe it's just not meant to be that we get back together."
He flinched. "Is that how you really feel?" Without waiting for my response, he moved closer, kneeling down in front of me. "You don't want to be a family again? I know Emily has been happy to have us all living together. You can't be serious." He looked so hurt and my eyes began to fill up.
"I don't know. Maybe I'm just thinking too much." My bottom lip trembled. The thought of never being with him again sucked the air from my lungs. I loved him so much and losing him absolutely terrified me.
"I love you Kris." He got up and crawled next to me. He was yawning, but I wasn't tired at all. I just laid there with my eyes open, unable to sleep and sinking further into a depression.
