Making the decision to continue the separation was brutal. I was the one who initiated it this time, but I felt like she left me no choice. Having her constantly throw my mistakes in my face without acknowledging her own, just killed me. This wasn't at all how I wanted things to be between us. That night at mom's, I went over the whole thing in my head, how I met Lisa and screwed up my whole relationship.
I met Lisa at a meet and greet in Chicago. She was so beautiful and extremely flirty, making several sexual comments toward me, and all within minutes of meeting. Of course, I made some back, resulting in her slipping me her number. I really did intend to toss it, but I couldn't stop thinking of her comments and promises. The way Kristen and I seemed to have grown apart, unfortunately, caused my eyes to wander a little more than usual recently.
For weeks Lisa and I flirted through text messages, never really engaging in anything other than a little teasing, it was innocent enough. I hadn't actually crossed any boundaries yet, but I quickly grew bored with it. However, one night after a show, our usual flirting turned into something else, we had phone sex. I was wracked with guilt afterward and for a few days, I cut all ties. I felt dirty and knew that it was a mistake, but my marriage continued to suffer. Kris and I hardly spoke for a while there.
When I was alone in my hotel room once again, my need for a release took over. I broke down and text Lisa. I knew that all I had to do was make a few arrangements and I could have her meet me in New York the next day. Little did I know, Kristen was also planning a trip to New York.
When Kris walked in Lisa and I had just finished up and were sitting on the bed chatting. The shattered look on Kristen's face when she met my eyes, tore me up.
However, the severity of the situation didn't fully hit me until we were standing in front of the elevators. I ran barefoot behind her all the way down the hallway and struggled with my clothes as I rode the elevator down to the lobby, where she threatened to cause a scene. I was desperate to talk to her, to plead with her not to leave me, but I couldn't have the paparazzi photograph the whole thing.
This was the worst case scenario for me, her leaving and me unable to stop her. I'll never forget that day as long as I live. I made my way back up to my room, telling Lisa that I fucked up and she needed to leave immediately. I rambled on, explaining to her that I would never be seeing her again and apologized for my mistake. Even though I felt bad for Lisa, I felt even worse for Kristen. No matter how shitty our relationship had become, she didn't deserve the selfish bastard she was married to.
After booking a room at another hotel along with a plane ticket, I handed Lisa some money for a cab. The fallout from my fuck up was devastating to say the least. I moved out and let Kristen have the house, not wanting to disrupt Emily's life. I got a place of my own and Emily went back and forth between us. It was a huge disruption having to move all of the band's equipment, but I was almost positive that it would be a temporary separation and we would get back together, but sadly, that never happened. She was seeing an attorney about the divorce and shortly thereafter began dating Matt.
After their breakup, she and I had a short reconciliation, but it all came to an abrupt end the night we ran into Lisa at a club. I heard that Lisa had gotten a job and moved to LA, but I made sure to avoid her at all costs. Running into her that night brought everything back to Kristen and we separated once again.
Now, six months later, I was still struggling to move on. I stayed busy, drowning myself in the music and was kept up to date by my Mom, who kept tabs on Kristen. I had seen her from a distance one day when she was at moms picking Emily up. Having arrived early to retrieve my rambunctious little princess, I drove past and parked down the street, making sure Kris didn't see me. She looked good, a little thin, but no less beautiful. Her hair was also longer and just that two minute glance made my chest ache.
Shannon heard that she was working for Matt's band, but given the fact that she dated him in the past, it made me question their relationship now. She had taken two trips with him, one for just a weekend and the other was five days in Miami. I lay in bed, imagining them on the beach together, even though I never saw any photos to prove it.
My mother kept Emily for part of that time, since I was also out of town. I dated two women, but it was nothing serious. Anna was the first, and she and I had a total of two dates. There was nothing there between us and never would be, so I didn't want to waste any more of her time. The second was Christine. She was a dead ringer for Kristen. Her name was even so damn close. She and I dated off and on for three months, but again, it was going nowhere. There were photos taken of us around town and I did like her, but there was only one problem, she wasn't Kristen. I knew that I'd never be satisfied and it wasn't fair to Christine, so I did the right thing and broke it off.
Kristen texted me, inviting me to Emily's birthday party and I hesitated, but I couldn't miss my daughters birthday party. I arrived with my brother, hanging back out of the way. Emily raced over to greet me and insisted on me carrying her around. I carried her over to my mother, glancing around the room, but not seeing Kristen.
Anxiously, I pulled Emily off my shoulders and started twirling her around in the middle of the room. Glancing up, I finally saw Kristen and granted her a smile before looking back down at my daughter and realizing just how much she looked like her mother.
