Behind the Pain

Taking the first step

Do you know when you have those moments when something interesting or funny happens and the only person you want to tell it to seems to never be there? Well recently I've been experiencing them and the only person I want to go tell doesn't seem to want Anything to do with me.

I deserve it but, Andrea has given me so many chances and warnings about not lying and every time I seem to blow it and reck an chance I have to be with her the way I want us to be together.

Today the studio is normal like every other day, the d12 boys are in helping out slaughterhouse who are in the middle of writing there first LP. I'm really excited for it, I guess it's a good way to keep my mind and heart from thinking about Andrea and how I hate myself for all the hurt I've put her through and how I would do anything to make things right with her.

" Maybe you should try calling her?" Royce commented from the corner of the small recording booth. Like always Royce knows when I'm pretty low and upset and I guess he's been able to see how much this little break has effected me, because he has constantly been checking up on me and persuading me to call Andrea.

" Nah I told her I would give her space, and that's what I'm planning on doing" I replied calmly trying very hard not to break down in front of him, I can see that he knows how hard it is to keep myself emotionless all the time and seem not interested in things, people think I display that emotionless and sad face for fun because I'm trying to display Eminem like that, but in true honesty Is just generally hard to show anyone my vulnerable side.

" Your call man, but I really think you need to talk to her" he just said back but understanding where I'm coming from as well, I think he can see I'm trying to avoid having another confrontation because I just don't want this to expand into something further, something more permanent so if I avoid it than it can't seem to expand.

Not wanting to talk about my problems any longer, i started asking royce general question about his week and his family, knowing straight away he wouldn't be able to control getting taken in and smiling while telling me these stories of his family. I can see the genuine smile on his face, and as much as I'm happy for him, there are moments that I wish I could be that generally happy, but if it doesn't involve my girls nothing seems to put a smile on my face, only my girls can.

" Oi Marshall" I heard Mr porter say from the doorway, turning round to see him knocking and making sure he isn't interrupting some important conversation between Royce.

" What's up man" I replied politely after swinging my chair round to face him, these days are good for me since I have heaps of people in the Studio it gives me a lot of things to worry about and things to distract me, but I know all of d12 can see something has been up with me as I haven't been my happy and immature self they are so used to seeing and dealing with, that's why they are do tablet checking up on me.

" Andrea's here man, she wants to talk to you" he said smiling when her name left his lips, already knowing that her just being here is already a positive step that I should be happy about.

And it's true as soon as Mr porter spoke her name my heart literally skipped a few beats as a smile spread across my face and when he added that she is here wanting to see me well that's when i became excited but also nervous, because I had no idea if she is here to tell me something positive or something negative.

After getting a pushy nudge from Royce I finally had the courage to get up and walk out of the studio towards the lounge area where all the guys are mucking around writing some beats together.

It's like even though we aren't dating or seeing each other romantically as soon as I enter the room she literally becomes the only thing I see and the only thing I'm remotely interested, It doesn't matter that there are some model groupies in the corner begging for my attention.