Secrets Left Neglected

Chapter 29

Caoilainn

My head feels strange, like it's weighed down with something heavy. I reach up to my face and rub the sleep from the corner of my eyes. I take a deep breath before opening them. I blink a few times at the brightness of the room before trying to scoot back to sit up.

"Take it slow. You've lost a lot of blood. The nurse said you might be dizzy when you wake up," I hear Ruari say quietly to me from the corner of the room. His voice startles me. I didn't know anyone was with me. I flinch under the sheet, my left hand instinctively traveling to my stomach. Panic blankets me and I sit up too quickly. Did he say blood?

"Where am I? What's going on?" I ask him. When my world tilts to the right, I lean against the pillow behind me, close my eyes and take a deep breath through my nose. When I open my eyes again Ruari is dragging the visitor's chair from the corner of the room over towards my bed. He fills a plastic cup with water from a pink hospital pitcher and hands it to me to drink. I take a tentative sip and put the cup down on the right-hand table beside me.

"She's gone," he whispers solemnly. "I'm sorry, Caoi."

I jerk my head to the left and look at him, wide-eyed terror evident in my expression. "She?" I whisper, tears already pooling in my eyes.

"The baby," he answers quietly, looking down at the floor, anywhere else but meeting my eyes. "She didn't make it."

Ruari stands up and walks across the room to look out the window. He braces both hands down against the air conditioning unit that backs up against the ledge. "He has no idea you were pregnant, does he Caoilainn?"

I can't answer Ruari. I'm too busy crying silently behind my own shaking hands. On some level, I've heard what he's asked because I'm slowly moving my head back and forth, but words don't accompany any of my movements.

I feel like the bottom has dropped out of my world.

When we hear voices outside in the hallway, we both turn towards the door. I grab a tissue from the nearby table and use it to wipe my eyes.

"Where is she? What happened? Is she ok?" I hear my mom ask frantically. "I don't understand."

I can hear the weariness in Duncan's voice when he answers her. "Niamh, she's ok, but she's had a miscarriage."

"What?!!?" There is movement in the hall and I can only guess, judging by the sounds they are making, that my mom has just crashed into a plastic chair lining the hall outside my room. "I didn't even know she was pregnant. My goodness, Duncan, who was the father? Caoilainn wasn't even dating anyone."

It's quiet in the hall for a minute and when I look over at Ruari I can see him moving his fingers nervously working over a paperclip, bending it around.

When we hear his Dad's voice, we both look back towards the hall.

"It was Tadhg's baby, Naimh," Duncan explains with a sigh. "At least, I think it was. She didn't tell me that, but I think they've been together for some time. Tadhg didn't mention anything either, but I've been wondering. He'd been putting in so many more hours at the pub before he enlisted, and Caoilainn'd been working long hours many a night. It would make sense if it's true. And anyway, when I came into the ER with her, she was whimpering Tadhg's name, crying out for him."

Having lived with him so long, I can only imagine Duncan out in the hall, sitting next to my mother. His hands are probably running through his hair at the moment, like they do when he's trying to work something out. When I hear him start to cry I gasp in reaction and look over at Ruari. I'm shocked by Duncan's emotional response. Ruari is looking back and forth between myself and the doorway, frowning while he listens.

"Oh, Duncan. I'm so sorry," I hear my mom cry, clearly upset herself.

"She was carrying a little girl, Niamh," he moans softly. "We were going to have a granddaughter. I would finally, truly, be a part of his life.

His life? But...

"I mean, maybe he wouldn't know just how much, but I would, you know? And I'd have had a granddaughter to love. His daughter! I'd get to be in her life, too."

Wait, what?

"Duncan," my mom said sympathetically. "Oh, Duncan. I'm so sorry. I wish we could tell them. I wish Maebh would let you tell him. He's going to need you now more than ever.

Oh my goodness, what am I going to do? Caoilainn must be devastated. I have to see her."

"I just checked on her a few minutes ago. Ruari is sitting with her while she sleeps. Come on, let's go get a cup of tea and then we'll come back and see her together, ok?" he asks my mom.

"Yeah, oh Gosh, Duncan," she answers. "Ok, let's go. I want to hurry back and see her."

As they move down the hall away from my room, the emotional pain I felt before is now compounded by the feeling of a million ants traveling over my skin.

I look up at Ruari and am shocked to see his neutral expression. Oh my Gosh!

"It's true?" I ask accusingly. "Duncan's his dad?" I ask again, shakily, afraid for him to confirm my suspicions.

He nods his head at me.

"Tadhg's your brother, Ruari?" I ask him, astounded at the turn of events. "Oh my Gosh, you and Tadhg are brothers!"

He nods his head 'yes' and follows the motion quietly with "And now you know," before turning away from me to look back out the window again.

I reach up to cover my mouth with my hand and shake my head against the news. All this time Tadhg's dad has not only been alive, but he's been a part of our lives and we never knew. Tadhg never knew it.

Long-buried, overheard conversations begin to bubble to my conscious and I realize what has been discussed in front of me numerous times over the years. If only I'd have paid more attention! I could have told Tadhg. It would have made all the difference in the world to him.

I look around the room in sudden panic. When I spot the bedpan on the nightstand I stretch sideways to grab it without success. A sharp pain stabs me across the middle and I whimper. Seeing what I am about, Ruari is by my side in an instant, handing it to me just before I heave whatever was left in my stomach into it.

By the time I'm done, Ruari is walking out of my bathroom back into my room with a cold washcloth. He hands it to me and I mop my face down with it. "Thank you," I say weakly. I still feel clammy, but my stomach is a little more settled.

When I finish cleaning myself, I look up at Ruari, and say, eager for an answer but knowing one won't be forthcoming. "What are we going to do, Ruari? What am I going to do?"

Ruari can't help me, however, so he just looks back out the window.

"I don't know, Caoilainn."

As the weight of these words fall against me, I reach down to rub my empty womb again and hang my head. Silent tears fall onto the white sheets that cover me. They are as void of color as my heart is of feeling. Sterile and crisp and smelling of bleach and lifelessness.

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