Secrets Left Neglected

Chapter 48

Tadhg

The therapist encourages me as I struggle down the parallel bars, attempting to lift my own weight and balance as I cross the room. Duncan is seated to my right so I can see him. He's doing his best to cheer me on, too, but it's awkward.

Duncan drove me to physical therapy today. It's the first time we've been together since our fight all those months ago and also since I wrote to him from Afghanistan. I've forgiven him but it's an uncomfortable truce. Many things are yet unsaid.

Thinking of the way I found out about the circumstances of my birth, I grow distracted and slip on the bar. My elbow collapses under me and I lose my grip, falling into one of the bars and biting my tongue. Tasting blood, I curse a blue streak until the therapist reminds me of her presence.

Duncan starts to admonish my poor language but I'm not having it. Ordinarily, I'd never use such language in front of a woman. Call me old fashion, but there it is. There's only so many things I say in front of them.

Before he can gain traction I cut Duncan off. "And I don't need any shit from you either, Dad," I holler at him, pointing a finger in his direction.

Recoiling from my outburst, Duncan stands up and starts some cussing of his own, and then, "Now listen here, Tadhg-" he continues. As he blows up, my therapist takes it as her cue to make a quick exit so we can have at it.

"No, you listen," I retaliate. "For years I grew up without a father and now you want to jump in and tell me how to act. DON'T!"

"I've always been there for you, Tadhg," Duncan defends himself. "I may not have been the father I should've been, but I've done the best I could; I helped you-"

"Helped me?" I shout, throwing my hands up as if speaking to the divine. "Helped me? You never recognized me as your son! Your son, Dad! Every day I watched Ruari call you Dad, and what did I call you, huh? Duncan. Duncan, like some sorry schmuck off the street! Some nobody kid who tripped over your coat tails looking up at you, never knowing the truth. I was desperate to have a father and instead-"

"Instead you got me," Duncan shouts back. "Me. You got me. Didn't you? Maybe not as 'dad' but damn it, I was still there. I taught you to ride a bike, didn't I? I gave you a job and taught you how to run the family business. I listened to you all your life and gave you as much love, support and advice as I could. I went to your rugby games, as much as I could-"

When I raise my eyes in surprise, he leaps at the chance to interject. "Yes! That's right. I was there. I wasn't supposed to be, but I was. Your mother told me not to go, but damn it. I was there. I hid in the bleachers, way in the back and I saw you, you little shite. And every time you made a try and I saw it, I cheered for you. Maybe not as loud as I should have, but I did."

Sitting back down, out of breath from hollering, Duncan wipes his brow. "Tadhg, I love you. I've always loved you. I'm so sorry I couldn't have been there for you. That I wasn't there for you. I should've been. You're right. I'm a terrible dad. But, I love you. I do, Tadhg. I love you very much, son."

"Fuck!" I reply.

"Tadhg!" Duncan exclaims. "Cripes, language."

I turn my head and suck in some air. "You're right."

"What?" he asks me, picking up his head as if he didn't hear me right.

"You were always there for me," I reply in defeat. "Not like I wanted you to be, damn it, but you were there. And as mad as I still am, I love you, too, Duncan. Dad.

Cripes, look at me. What a friggin' mess."

I'm horrified when I start to blubber over myself.

"I can't even stand up straight on my own two feet now. And I don't see half the shit-sorry-stuff I should be seeing. I'm a mess."

As is typical for brain injury recovery, my mood has shifted rapidly swinging from fierce anger into plunging despair, sorrow and self-pity. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. I love you, too."

Before I completely melt into a pathetic puddle of weakness, Duncan is up and out of his seat holding his arms around me.

"It's alright, Tadhg," he says patting my back. "I love you, too. Everything's going to be alright. We're going to get through this. Together. I wasn't there when you needed me before, but I'm here for you now. I'm here now."