Secrets Left Neglected

Chapter 58

Caoilainn

"And how do you feel about that, Caoilainn?" the counselor asks me.

At first I stare at her. I'm not used to sharing my feelings with other people, especially not strangers. Right now this woman is still very much a stranger to me. The local Veterans Administration recommended I speak with her, however.

Truth is, I can really use someone to talk to. My family and friends have been so supportive of the situation Tadhg and I are going through, but there's a part of me that I've been hiding. A small kernel that has formed an angry bead of frustration in my gut. I want to break it up and pretend it's not there, but I know it is. And I know I have to address it. I'm afraid, though.

I'm afraid to admit how I really feel.

I don't want people to realize what an awful, terrible person I am.

I've been trying to fight my thoughts but they're been building up inside of me despite my attempts to think rationally about it all. I don't want to feel this way. It's wrong.

And yet still it persists.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I can do this.

"I'm angry," I say softly to Dr. Core.

"OK," she says in equal calm. "Tell me about that."

My face twists into a sneer. Not at her but at my own pathetic spoiledness.

"I'm mad at myself," I reply, folding my arms across my chest. "And I don't know what to do about it, Doctor."

She turns her head and looks at me confused. Then she sits back and I watch invisible thoughts race across her forehead.

"Let's try something, Caoilainn. I want you to pretend I'm you."

I look at her in surprise.

"Now, I want you to be 'them'."

"Them?" I ask, now confused myself. "Them who?"

"Them," she says leaning forward again. "All those people out there in society that tell you you shouldn't be angry. All those people who would judge you if they knew what you are really thinking.

Ok," she continues. "I'm you. Now judge me. Tell me all the reasons I shouldn't feel like I do."

I'm not sure about this. It's sounds weird.

Then again I have a whole hour to talk to Dr. Core. I might as well test out the waters.

"Alright," I say quietly. "Um..."

"Just start wherever you feel comfortable, Caoilainn," she encourages me. "There are no right or wrong ways to do this. Just do what you want. This is a safe place.

Now, pretend I'm you.

Be my judge and jury.

Tell me off."

"Well," I stutter. "You shouldn't be thinking this way, Caoilainn."

"Good," my therapist says. "Keep going. What shouldn't I be thinking?"

I take a deep breath and continue. "You're a military wife, Caoilainn. You knew something like this could happen. How dare you be mad about it? And you're not even the one who was hurt. What gives you the right to be angry about it? Tadhg's the one who's hurt. He's the one who's lost himself. How dare you feel like you're allowed to be mad at him! He gave everything for his country. He's a hero. You shouldn't be mad at him."

"Keep going. Get mad. Yell," Dr. Core tells me. "What else?"

"And....and don't even think about being resentful. You know he loves you. He didn't leave you when he went into the Marines, Caoilainn! He was trying to protect you and our country. He didn't choose the Marines over you. He did this for you. He was trying to keep you safe! How dare you feel like this!

What a spoiled brat you are getting pissed off at him for choosing something that led to this. You're such a little witch, thinking about your own life and how messed up it is now. Did you ever even consider what Tadhg's going through?

Yeah, he can be mean," I say through tears. I'm crying pretty badly at this point. My frustration swamping me through the anger. Dr. Core hands me a tissue.

"and he can be hurtful and say nasty things. But you know he doesn't mean them. He would never have spoken to you like this before the accident. You know that. If you loved him you'd know that. Just because he's not like he was doesn't mean you shouldn't already know how much he loves you. He's been there for you his whole life.

You're his wife. You have to understand. You have to forgive. It's your duty as a wife of a Marine. Who are you to be angry at him? You just have to-"

When I feel a hand on my knee I stop in my tracks and look up, dabbing my eyes with my tissue and reaching for another one to blow my nose. I'm full of red blotches and swollen eyes as I hide my face in my Kleenex.

"It's ok, Caoilainn," Dr. Core says gently. "It's ok."

I shake my head against her words of comfort. "No. No, it isn't. It's not right. I love Tadhg. I shouldn't feel like this. It's selfish, I-" When I feel her arms around me I fold into them and cry some more.

"Let it out, Caoilainn," she says. "Just let it out. You've been through so much these last few months. Just let it out."

After a while I sit up and grab another tissue to wipe my eyes. "I'm sorry," I sigh. "I didn't mean to break down like that on you. And I'm sorry about your shirt, I-

I've been on an emotional roller coaster for weeks now."

Dr. Core looks at her shoulder where I've left an obvious wet spot with my tears and shakes her head. "Don't worry about that.

What's important is that you were able to get out all of that pent up anger."

"But-"

"No buts, Caoilainn," she says, interrupting me. "You're human. You're allowed to be angry. This situation is difficult. It's not fair. It's something that you and Tadhg are going through and it's not easy.

This isn't something many people can understand. But you're doing the best you can."

I start to protest but Dr. Core holds up a hand to stop me from speaking. "Please.

Listen, you've suffered a terrible loss, Caoilainn. So has Tadhg. But for him everyone understands. For you, you're in a tough position. You didn't get hurt yourself, but your best friend in the whole word did. And a part of who you loved in Tadhg has been taken from you. In a way, you're in mourning over the loss of that part of him. Yet you can't stop to grieve.

You also have this new part of Tadhg to live with. Someone you don't know but have no choice but to get used to.

You're not like most people, Caoilainn. A lot of wives couldn't live with someone who suffers from this kind of injury. Tadhg's filter is broken and only time will tell how much of it, if any at all, will repair itself. Meanwhile people around you see how he acts and they assume you're ok with it because you stay.

It's a terrible position to be in. But you haven't left him, Caoilainn. You're still there for him, loving him and trying to help him find himself again. You love him, Caoilainn, and you're still his best friend.

And he loves you, too. He's just trying to heal.

It's ok for you to feel angry about all of this, Caoilainn. It is.

While you're going through all of this, I'll be here for you. I'll be here for you to talk to, to rage against, to cry on, even to laugh with one day."

"Thank you," I tell her, humbled. "Thank you so much."

"You're welcome," she responds. "Now let's set up our next meeting before this one ends. How does next Monday sound to you?"

I pull out my phone to look at the calendar.

"I can do that," I reply.