Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

33 (November 12th, 1975)

ROGER'S POV

This was probably the first time that I had witnessed Brian cry.
He just stood there in the door frame in his loose, beige coloured sweater and his usual black pants, his long dark brown curls in his face whilst he covered it with his hands, wiping away those tears.
Even though he was pretty tall, about 6 Feet and 2 Inches or something like that (yes, huge compared to myself), at that very moment he seemed so small. So vulnerable and tiny. So hurt and broken.

My gaze wandered towards the dirty hallway floor I was standing on.
It hurt me seeing him like that, so I preferred to just look away.
I could still hear him whimper quietly, though.

"Why are you crying now, Brian?" I exhaled in an annoyed tone, still not facing him.
Brian didn't answer.
"You can't handle the truth, can you?"
As he still didn't answer, I raised my head and peeked at him.

As he could finally control his tears again a little, he took a deep breath, then he slowly looked up at me;
his eyes were red from the tears, so was his nose and his gaze was incredibly sad.
He shook his head slightly.

"It's not that I can't handle the truth, Roger..." He stated whispering. "It's that all of this here" He pointed back and forth between the two of us. "is a huge misunderstanding.."
He wiped away the last tears from his eyes and cheeks with his forearm and sniffled.

I crossed my arms and tilted my head a little, looking at the taller chap right infront of me. My expression was unimpressed and rather annoyed but deep inside of me I had already forgiven him.
It was strange with Brian. No matter how much I tried, I just couldn't be mad at him for longer than a few hours...
"What's a misunderstanding then?" I asked.
Brian's explanation didn't add up for me.
He was behaving as if he didn't love me, he hinted that he wanted to keep as much distance as possible.

I saw him shivering a little.
It was cold outside and we had been standing infront of his front door for a while now.
He stepped aside and invited me to come inside.
I decided to accept the invite and entered.
The familiarity of Brian's flat was pleasant but it was way colder than usual.
At first I thought it was because of the door being open for about twenty minutes but then I realized that all radiators had been turned off.

"Aren't you cold..?" I asked quietly as I turned towards him.
"I'm freezing, actually.." He admitted underneath his breath.

I knew that Brian has had some mental struggles in the past and that he was thinking way too much for his own good.
I also knew that he stopped caring for himself as soon as his depression started to take over him again.
That's why I started to worry.

"Why didn't you-"

"The misunderstanding, Roger, is because of me. My behaviour."

"Why didn't you turn on the radia-"

"I am scared, Roger. That's why I tried to keep an unhealthy distance between us. It killed me as well, you know..."

"Brian, the rad-"

"And I am sorry. I am sorry that I acted like a cunt.. I am not good for you. I'm glad that you broke up.. I think it's the best if we keep it that way. The best for you..."

"For goodness sake, Brian, why-"

"You should continue your life - well at least your life next to Queen - without me and find happiness." Tears started rolling down his cheeks again. "Because I will never be able to be happy for a long period of time and I don't want to prevent you from it.."

"Goddammit, Brian! Stop that bullshit! Turn on those damn radiatiors, it's freezing in here!" I trudged towards the radiators and turned them on, all of them.
Brian watched me, without saying anything.
I returned to him, slapped my hands on his cheeks and stared into his red and teary eyes.
"Don't you dare to feel down like that because of me!" I shouted at him.
"You were the little bitch and now you want me to feel bad, right?" I squinted. "Ohh, poor Brimi is all sad because of me, I should feel horrible, I'm a bad person! That's what you want to hear, right?"

He hit my hands away and his dark gaze made me shiver, he was staring into my soul.
"No."
I sensed that he wanted to throw a big 'fuck you, Roger' at my face, but that was not Brian-like.
I raised my eyebrows.

"Then, why are you crying like a baby?"

"Because I hate myself for my behaviour, Roger!" He exclaimed, threw his hands in the air and sighed. My eyes widened. What an unexpected response.
"I feel sorry for you, okay? I feel guilty and I don't want you to suffer because of me which you just told me you do!"

He calmed down a little and peeked at me. "Why are you even doing this to yourself? You could just.. leave."

I shrugged as I couldn't think of a proper explanation, but then I found one for Bri and also for myself: "I guess I really do love you, then.."

I had made him speechless which made me grin ever so slightly.
I looked up at him.
"I didn't think so, either." I laughed. "But it looks like you've tied up my heart and kept it for yourself. Idiot."

Brian opened his mouth a little, thinking about the right words.
Then he shut his mouth again and pulled me in for a hug, resting his cheek on my head.
"After all of this, you still love me?" He whispered and I nodded slightly.
"I can't believe it, either.." I admitted.
I put my arms around his waist.
"I guess we're even now... You were being an asshole, I dragged you out of the closet."
I smiled and pulled back from the hug, then I gave Brian a sweet kiss on his lips.

"I'm sorry.." He mumbled and a bittersweet chuckle escaped my lips. "No, you are not. You never are.."
"I am-" I interrupted his rant by giving him another kiss. This time, he returned it, his eyes tearing up again.
"We'll figure this out, okay...?" I asked quietly, pressing my cheek against his chest.
He nodded and closed his eyes, stroking my hair.
I didn't want Brian to face depression again and I really did love him a lot.
We just needed to learn to understand each other a little.